Real Ale Drinkers - Norman, Gordon, Keith, Simone, Norman(2) & Gordone

Lord save me from Real Ale Drinkers. For those of you who are lucky enough not to know what it is Real ale is “beer brewed from traditional ingredients, matured by secondary fermentation in the container from which it is dispensed, and served without the use of extraneous carbon dioxide”. Which is all very noble and worthy and clear. Dealing with a real ale drinker is somewhat more difficult.

I had a real ale drinker in for dinner this evening. Talk about annoying. I’ve sold expensive bottles of wine with less effort than it took to convince this chap that our real ale offering would suit his highly defined palate. I could give a fuck to be honest. Order it or don’t, but just make a fucking decision. Oh my God the questions,

“Is it local?”

“Is it a heavy ale?”

“What are the principal flavours?” (Are you fucking kidding me?)

“Is it a dark or light beer?”

“If you had to use just one word to describe it what would it be?”

Okay I made the last one up but it wouldn’t have surprised me if he had asked it. I refused to answer all questions but the first and just went and got him a quarter pint sample. I’m not pulling your plonker when I tell you that he swirled it around his mouth like mouth wash before swallowing it. There was a man from Del Monte moment when we all waited with baited breath for him to make his decision………………….and the man from Del Monte he say “Yes”. If it took ten minutes to get a beer order how long would the food take?!

I never thought I would see the day when a £2.50 pint of beer would cause so much deliberation, thought, indecision and in the end anti climax. But that’s the reality of Real Ale Drinkers. True, this guy was at the plummier/more pretentious end of the scale but still fairly typical of Real Ale Drinkers. As it happened the rest of the meal went off without any further delays or wonderings over the coffee.

They are a rum lot and in my opinion they should be shunned as much as possible. I’m not advocating direct action against Real Ale Drinkers, but rather a ten feet away at any one time policy. But how do you know when you are in the company of or are in close proximity to a Real Ale Drinker? How can you ensure that your night in the pub isn’t ruined by the tut tutting of a Mr Smuggy know it all as he looks down his nose at you and your “fizzy” beer? What you need is a handy cut out and keep list of ways to spot a Real Ale Drinker. I’ve gone ahead and compiled such a list in a handy section I call….

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Spotting a Real Ale drinker

1. Drinking/Enjoying a pint of Real Ale. Obvious really. But sometimes “ordinary” people buy a pint of real ale out of curiosity. If their first reaction isn’t one of “get that the fuck out of my mouth and get me a Carlsberg now I’m gonna throw up” then you have a Real Ale Drinker.
2. Strangeness. Real Ale Drinkers are very strange people. They have an aura of strangeness that shows itself as twitchiness, fidgeting, and quite probably talking to themselves.
3. Name. Most Real Ale Drinkers are called Norman, Gordon, Keith, or Simon. There are a few women who enjoy flat brown beer and they are also called Norman, Gordon, Keith, or Simon but with an “e” at the end because they are after all ladies.
4. Beards. All Real Ale Drinkers have facial hair, women included. And I don’t mean fashionable goatees or ironic beards that are all very cool at the moment. I mean ye old sea dog type yeaaaaaaar beards.
5. Clothes. Lots of greens and browns. Corduroy still swings with these people as do arm patches and grey duffle coats. Jumpers are important too in the Real Ale Community. Having studied their ways, from a distance you understand, for quite some time I believe, and I could be wrong, that the jumper is like some sort of status symbol or symbol of rank within the community. The duller and older the jumper the higher your rank.
6. Plastic Bag. Real Ale Drinkers are NEVER seen without a plastic bag. And a plastic bag from a shop that closed down years ago at that. Chances are the bag will be inside out. It will contain books and note pads and quite probably their mother’s head. My investigations have not yet got me close enough to find out. The bag itself will be of a very high quality.
7. Fussiness. Real Ale drinkers are fussier and more belligerent than Guinness drinkers and that says something. I’d go as far to say that they make Guinness drinkers look carefree and relaxed when it comes to their favourite tipple. They can send their pint back all night long if it isn’t exactly how it should be. And I mean exactly. No quarter will be given when it comes to getting a nice luke warm pint of brown pish.
8. Obsessives. Their love of Real Ale will probably have come about due to a love of some other minority hobby like playing Scrabble or stamp collecting or any form of collecting. Their homes will be awash with protective plastic covers and unopened boxes of toys and large dusty piles of newspapers. Look around you in the office, is there a collector there? If so, chances are they are a Real Ale drinker too.
9. Friends. They are only friends with other Real Ale Drinkers. Don’t try and engage them in conversation (why would you?) you will fail. If they are on their own in the pub they will have their head in an obscure publication like the Beer Drinkers Almanac or Waiter and Buss Boy Monthly. They love a good almanac. Chances are they will be joined by a brown green mass of fellow Real Ale Drinkers. They gather in packs for safety, much like a nocturnal animal that is scared of it’s own shadow.

You have been warned people. Stay away from them.