Christmas is a very important time of the year for Christians (only Easter is busier, because that was not just when Jesus was crucified and resurrected, but also when he was conceived, which is why we celebrate it with eggs and rampant rabbits), and I thought it would be nice idea to provide everyone who is not Holy Roman Catholic with a brief biography of Lord God Jesus Christ King of Kings in order that they might be converted by his glorious esample in time for this Christmas, so that they might then feel able to join in with the traditional festivities of getting drunk, making inappropriate comments to work colleagues, and falling heavily into debt for the sake of ungrateful relatives.

Jesus was born to a 12-year-old girl named Mary Carpenter of “The Stables,” Bethlehem, while she and her common-law husband, Joseph, were on holiday. Some vicious ill-thought-out people have suggested that because Mary was so young when God insperminated her, this means that God is a paedophile and that therefore he should be placed on the sex pest list and not revered as the father of all Creation; after all, what kind of message are we sending the young of today if we teach them that the Creator of the Universe likes to have the sex with underage children? Not a healthy one, in anyone’s book. However, if you do the mathematics, you will realize that there is only a 40-60 chance that Mary was actually 11 years old when God inserted his miraculous member inside her, and seeing as how this is God, I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was 12, which mean that she was old enough to be married in those days, as demonstrated by the fact that she was married, i.e. to Joseph. This mean therefore that God is only an adulterer, not a paedophile, and Joseph would only be a cuckold (although it would appear that he knew all along that someone else was having sex with his wife, which make him NOT a cuckold but just a man with no dignity and self-respect).

We should also remember too that God and Mary didn’t have the sort of passionate dangerous naughty good sex that adulterers usually have, in a motel room when she is supposedly at badminton and he is working late, but was a very pure, spiritual, and holy kind of sex, the sort of sex that today we call “non-penetrative,” or “crap” sex. This does not mean that God just shoot his children over Mary’s 12-year-old tummy or not yet fully formed breasts, however, or that just because He can see everything, He is jacking off all the time; besides, it was necessary for Mary to be insperminated so that she could have Jesus, which therefore mean that God must have penetrated her, even if he just come into his hand and then stick his sticky holy fingers up inside her.

Anyway, one way or another, God managed it and he did so very carefully, because Mary’s hymen was remaining intact, which God did deliberately so that nobody would suspect that she was not a virgin at all but had actually been having a particularly active and unusual sex life, only was with a Holy Ghost. In any case, I espect Mary’s hymen did break when she was giving birth to Jesus, and she didn’t not notice it because of all the other agony, or else because God placed her especially in a state of divine epidural during the process so that she feel no pain whatsoever and could just contemplate the glory of the Lord or else the cattle and the ass. He had to do this, I think, because otherwise there would have been most unseemly scene, with Mary crying out in agony during the birth of Jesus that God was a fucking bastard and she hated him and that she would never let Him anywhere near her vagina ever again.

We are knowing very little about Jesus’s early years because not much is covered in the Bible. We can however assume that he was a genius in school and got top marks in all subjects thanks to his omniscience. Although he was God incarnate on Earth, this did not mean that his knowledge was limited by that of his earthly esperience, otherwise, why would he have come up with the whole mumbo-jumbo story of God and the Good Lord’s message to tell everyone? It can only have been because he had access to the insider information that other people did not. Of course, all the people would have thought that Jesus was just a nutter, what with his story about the stupid Good Samaritan and the parable of the Talents Show and what have you, so he had to do a few miracles along the way to keep them interested and to show that he wasn’t just a drooling imbecile (like my sister, Candelería) but in fact a drooling imbecile who could do magic.

It has been suggested that one of the reason why Jesus’s childhood and youth are not mentioned in the Bible is because there has been a cover-up to hide all the insalubrious details of his misusing his superpowers, like for esample when he turn all the neighbours’ children into pigs because they wouldn’t let him play with them (“Jimmy, here comes that weird kid who says he is the son of God and with the sparks flying from his fingers. Come indoors this instant!”) or when he magicked all the food into dog turds at the wedding banquet in Nazareth because his mom and dad had not been invited. But this is all just rumours and these tales are just apocryphal. I espect the real truth of the matter is that, most of the time, Jesus was keeping his head down and staying out of trouble and learning a good trade in his father’s furniture business in Nazareth. You have to remember that schools in those days were only for the very rich and even then lasted only from the ages of 5 to 7. At the age of 8, all children went to work, so that they would have enough money to settle down and get married at the age of 12, just as Mary had done (Joseph, of course, was a bit older, but then he was a petty-bourgeois business entrepreneur, so he had devoted all his time to his business instead of having a social life, going to the pub, dating the local girls and so on). As we all know, the working day is really boring, so there was probably nothing to tell about Jesus’s life at this point because he was just a working stiff like everyone else, leading insignificant worthless lives of no use to anyone. He was keeping it secret that he was the son of God and just muttering it to himself under his breath that one day he would show them all.

Jesus only really comes to notice in these years when he goes to the temple and has a big row with the rabbis. This was not like today, when young children argue with the priests and accuse them of shenanigans, because there was not priests in those days, only Jews. Besides, Jesus was having a learned argument rather than finger-pointing about finger-banging, esplaining to the rabbis why Judaism was wrong and how, if they carried on the way they were going, it would all end up in trouble and they would give the Jews a terrible reputation for money-lending, intellectualism, and eating babies. “In any case,” Jesus say, “is clear that although God chose the Jews as a special people apart from all others, he has changed his mind because you have become so snooty and high-handed about it and looking down on all the Gentiles. He wants to establish a new covenant with all of humanity, so that anyone can go to heaven, and not just Jews. He has decided that Heaven is not going to be segregated anymore. He says we have to move with the times.” However, the rabbis had a vested interest in the status quo, being highly regarded in their community and having special access to dirty books and booze and so on, so they would not listen to Jesus. They tell him to be on his way and not to be so arrogant as to think he could debate with them. So Jesus say to them, “Fuck you, rabbis. I am starting my own religion. I am the son of God, don’t you know?” Of course, the rabbis just laughed and instead of throwing down their fineries and giving up their wealth and prestige they persisted in their deviancies and would have continued to do so forever had Jesus not invented the pogrom.

The Bible then skips 20 years or so, during which we must assume Jesus was entirely celibate and the only man no woman wanted to marry, unless perhaps he behave no different to anyone else in those days and also get married at 12 and have children, and the Bible think this is so normal that it not warrant a mention. In which case, presumably he also leave behind him a trail of broken hearts, loveless marriages, unwanted illegitimate children, and so on, just like everyone else. There is no indication of this esplicitly, however, so we must accept that this is just speculation. What we do know is that when the story is taken up again, Jesus has been wandering from town to town with his group of attractive, esclusively male comrades, preaching a kind of unconditional love to villagers that they have never heard about before, or if they had heard about it, they had never seen any of its practitioners before in the flesh. This must have been a strange creed for such simple ignorant folk in those days, and when Jesus also do his miracles for them, such as driving demons out of town, curing the dead, and smoking fish, they must have been escited but also confused and therefore scared, just like children today when they see two Santa Clauses. Or one Ronaldinho.

So when the story of Jesus is taken up again, then, he is already in the midst of battle against the Judaeo-Roman conspiracy, making the converts, fighting the Jews, feeding the five thousands. As narratives go, this one is most unsatisfying because there is just the denouement, which make it all very unclimactic, although the alternative ending is not something anyone espects unless they have been paying attention and noticed the Lazarus scene earlier on, which sort of gives away the ending and, in some people’s view, ruins the entire book. Even so, (SPOILER ALERT!!!) when Jesus does come back from the dead after being crucified, there is enough room for ambiguity that the reader does not know conclusively whether or not he really has returned or if this is just the wishful thinking of the people he left behind. After all, is very common for people who have lost a loved one to go bizarre with grief and not eat for days, which results in them having the hallucinations and thinking they can see angels or that they are German and so on. Even when Jesus reappear to the disciples when they are having supper, there is no absolute proof that this was really Jesus and not just a kissagram dressed up like Jesus, which someone could have thoughtfully sent as a way of consolation (or perhaps it was the rabbis being mean and taunting them). And only Doubting Thomas had the circumspection to think it might be worth checking Jesus’s hole to see if it really was Jesus, and even that could have been faked by any half-decent impersonator using brown sauce.

Although this may seem to some readers very unsatisfying, the ambiguity in the ending of Jesus’s life is deliberate. Christians are not supposed to believe in Jesus on the basis of evidence. They are meant to believe in him regardless of the evidence, and even in spite of the evidence. Otherwise Christianity could not be called a faith, and they would all be cheats. Besides, evidence can easily be challenged and undermined by so-called smart-arse scientists and communist atheists, and where would Christians be then? The whole point is that religion must be impervious to the evidence: Do not test the Lord thy God, says Jesus. And he who believe in me without seeing, he is a proper Catholic, Jesus also said. The fact is, Jesus is just asking us to trust him, and if you can’t trust the Son of God, who can you trust?

I espect I have missed out a few things from Jesus’s adventure that readers will want to know more about. I have really just given you all a taster. Nonetheless, there should be more than enough in what I have recounted and esplained above to convert even the most ardent sceptic or non-believer, and it is never a bad idea to remind all my fellow Holy Roman Catholic friends and family of the man who is central to our lives. And especially at this time of year, as we rejoice in celebration at the birth of this very special individual, we should all of us maybe pause for a moment and reflect to ourselves on just how incredible the whole story is.