I had a fun fun fun table of eight land in on me about an hour before closing. They received my usual “me angry waiter, you stupid customer” caveman type greeting that I reserve for tables of 8 that arrive within an hour of closing without a reservation. I followed it up with sarcasm, mild fury, and a snarling (and mumbled) lecture about how reserving tables can really save time. Nerds are just so easily frightened. I felt bad and spent the next fifteen minutes over compensating.

So after a bit of huffing and puffing from me I seated them. In they came with their unwashed hair and peculiar body odors. The lead orks had laptops with them. Those without waddled behind a little sadder looking than the leaders it has to be said as if they haven’t yet won the right to carry a laptop. That challenge has yet to be completed.

I actually like serving nerds, geeks, and people with more online identities than actual friends. There is something almost naive and childlike about them. Ok childlike in a freakish sort of way but childlike all the same. I don’t know why but we seem to get a lot of these types of tables, it’s like we are on some sort of “approved” list floating about on an internet message board somewhere, probably geekchat.com, fuck that actually exists! Well you get the point. We probably score high in the “No Jock” category and the warnings on the menus about nuts and gluten probably please them too.

There are two types of nerdish tables, the first is proud of it’s nerd credentials and lets you know that what they lack in social skills they make for in smarts, D & D tournament wins, and because they boast the largest soft rock collection this side of Boston. They wear t-shirts with dragons emblazoned across their chest, jeans with black shoes, and bloody awful denim jackets. They love that they are nerds and don’t care who knows it!

The second type is, in many respects, the complete opposite. They would rather be home reading the history of BASIC even though they have read it 50 times but it reminds them of a happier, simpler time. Going out for dinner is a major moment for these kids, they would much rather be at home heating some allergen free soup in a microwave. There are no t-shirts with dragons, “witty” slogans like “my other computer is a porsche”, or characters from South Park. No instead there are jumpers, shirts, corduroy trousers and duffle coats. They go red when you talk to them, they cant make a decision, they don’t speak loud enough so that you can hear them, and you can see their sense of relief when the whole torturous ordering process is over. Poor lambs.

Tonight’s table were definitely from the second camp of nerds. Despite having brains the size of Televisions and the ability to do mental arithmetic, they can probably do the hard stuff like 6×8 and 7×8 with ease, they were intimidated by me. Now I know my welcoming was a little rough but I tried to make amends quickly by cracking a few jokes, which died, to show that I was a friend to the nerd. To be honest I was worried about the little 32 year old guy at the end of the table peeing himself as I stood there cracking jokes with my hand on his shoulder. Physical contact is a big no-no in nerdish culture.

Just like taking orders from children you have to be patient and resist the urge to shout at them. You just have to wait as they throw the 12 sided dice in their head to decide what they want for their first course. At least with the overt nerds you know about their allergies before they order as they announce them as if it was something to be proud of.

“I cant have dairy, nuts, or beetroot! Thus I am the king of this table and you shall be my serfs! Now give me all your points”

Not so with my table of super brains. I had to delicately eek and pry each life threatening ailment out of them. I had to go to the kitchen twice to check the ingredients of the soup to see if it contained nuts or had been prepared in an area that contained nuts. The fact that it had been made by nuts wasn’t a factor though.

Ten heart breaking, grueling, suffering, breathing through my mouth because the stench from lead ork was so bad minutes later I got my order!

Yippee!

I was relieved.

They were relieved!

The kitchen were not so happy. They don’t like a lot of substituting and leaving out of ingredients, it upsets them so. I had to go and warn them to follow my instructions to the letter or we would end up with 8 dead nerds or at least 8 bloated, spotty, and itchy nerds. And I didn’t want to have to clean that up.

After the starters were served they seemed to warm to their surroundings, much like a new pet does when you take it home. They began to relax and laugh a little. It was sweet to watch them, much like a new pet. They still went sheepish when I visited the table. But that’s ok, I like my customers with a bit of fear in them.

Remember nerds are people too, they are just people with huge brains, bad clothes, and a predilection for fantasy role play and antihistamines.

Bless……