As a freelance journalist, I’ve interviewed everybody from Terry Wogan to Zag (the man who plays Zig cancelled at very short notice — highly unprofessional). None though, come bigger than Ireland’s most famous sons, rock legends U2. On behalf of Vacuum Cleaner Monthly, I sat down with the lads to talk about their new album, No Line on the Horizon.

Unfortunately, the interviews lacked preparation, floundered badly, and never made it to print. Not my finest journalistic hour, and heads apparently rolled in U2 Management over Vacuum Cleaner Monthly blagging an interview in the first place. The only upshot has been the unwanted transcripts washing into the public domain, making them legally publishable here…

Adam Clayton

Me: Larry Clayton, thanks for taking the time to talk with VCM. Now you’ve always…
Adam: It’s Adam Clayton.
Me: Sorry?
Adam: My name is Adam Clayton.
Me: It says Larry Clayton here.
Adam: Well, your notes are wrong.
Me: Deirdre in the office put these together.
Adam: Then Deirdre has made a mistake.
Me: That’s not like Deirdre.
Adam: It’s not a big deal.
Me: She has been under a lot of stress, with the baby snatching thing. The hospital reckon…
Adam: She probably got my name mixed up with Larry Mullen’s.
Me: Who’s Larry Mullen?
Adam: He’s the drummer.
Me: For who?
Adam: For us.
Me: I thought Keith Moon was your drummer?
Adam: Keith Moon was the drummer for The Who. He died in the late 70s.
Me: Jesus. That must have been a tough time for you personally, and as a band?
Adam: I’m sorry, this is ridiculous.
Me: Ah Larry, wait. Come back Larry. LARRY?

Larry Mullen

Me: Larry Mullen, thanks for talking with VCM.
Larry: My pleasure.
Me: Perhaps I should have opened with “Bonjour”.
Larry: Why?
Me: You’re French aren’t you?
Larry: No.
Me: F*cking Deirdre! Stupid carpet-munching, baby-robbing dyke.
Larry: Do you need a moment?
Me: I’m fine.
Larry: Would you like some water?
Me: What kind of scotch?
Larry: I didn’t say scotch, I said water. It’s half eight in the morning.
Me: Let’s continue. Some people have called bass players musical parasites. Talentless, drooling oafs with fingers too thick and stubby to play a normal guitar, and personal hygiene to repulse a
flatulent baboon.
Larry: Ok.
Me: Does that offend you?
Larry: Why would it? I play drums.
Me: Drums? Larry Clayton told me Keith Moon was your drummer?
Larry: Keith Moon, from The Who? Keith Moon was never in U2. He’s dead, for starters.
Me: Keith Moon is dead? Jesus. Does Bono know?
Larry: This Is ridiculous. I have better things to be doing.
Me: Adam, Adam wait. Come back. ADAM?

The Edge

Me: The Edge, thanks for taking the time to sit down with VCM.
Edge: No problem.
Me: Would you mind if I call you ‘The’?
Edge: Sorry, but I would mind.
Me: I bet people make that joke all the time though?
Edge: No, that was the first time.
Me: Well, great minds think alike.
Edge: How do you mean?
Me: Yes sir, it takes all sorts. Moving along, you once said “mass immigration is the single biggest threat to western democracy today.” What did you mean by that?
Edge: I never said that.
Me: No? Maybe it was me then. What do you think I meant by it?
Edge: How would I know?
Me: On the fence on immigration, eh? Very wise, it’s an emotive topic.
Edge: I’m not on the fence, I just never said…
Me: How long did it take you to learn the drums?
Edge: I’ve never learned the drums.
Me: Ah, hold on. Are you guys messing with me? Did Keith Moon put you up to this?
Edge: We’re done here.
Me: Ah ‘The’, come back. ‘The’. ‘THE’?

Bono

Me: A man so good they named him once. Thanks for sitting down with VCM.
Bono: My pleasure.
Me: You’ve been called everything from short arse to midget. How do you deal with the criticism?
Bono: About my height, specifically?
Me: Yes.
Bono: People aren’t usually rude enough to call me small. I find your question rude, frankly.
Me: Apologies, I’ll rephrase. If an Ooompa Loompa mated with a hobbit, what sex toys would…
Bono: Sorry, it’s not a matter of rephrasing the question. Let’s not talk about my height at all, capiche?
Me: My editor won’t be happy.
Bono: That doesn’t concern me.
Me: It’ll be slim pickings from here on.
Bono: Are you serious? No music questions? Or questions on my debt relief work, for example?
Me: I was hoping to stay away from the charity stuff, for the readers’ sake. I have one music question though.
Bono: Fine, hit me. Let’s get this over with.
Me: You’ve toured extensively with both Joe Dolan and Dickie Rock in the past. Which singer, in your opinion, was more capable of…
Bono: That is utterly false. I never toured with either man.
Me: Never? That stupid, handlebar moustached, power-lifting, carpet-munching hag.
Bono: Who are you talking about?
Me: I hope they find a thousand stolen babies in her dyke shed, and lock her up for eternity.
Bono: This interview is over. Over over over.
Me: Ah Bono, come back. Bono? BONO? Short arse.