I am being perturbed this week to learn about the disgraceful treament that was being meated out to a shoal of English nuns in Crete, where they was doing the missionary work, bringing civilization to the pagan ancient Greeks. According to all the reliable news report, the nuns was being banged up abroad like a clap-happy-slapper from Clapham on the grounds that they was showing their bottoms, “and the rest,” while relaxing after a hard day’s proselytizing in the bars and beaches of Malia, a God-forsaken denizen of iniquity where is congregated all the best places for finding sinners.

I Am Not Fancying Yours Much: Virginal English Nuns Encounter Ignorant Greek Ingratitude

According to the media report, the nuns was attempting to communicate and congress with the local natives by using the medium of football to interest them in Jesus. Thanks to some inesplicable fluke caused by a brown hole in the universe, the Greece manage in 2004 to win the Eurovision Soccer Championships (which now, of course, properly belong to Spain), and ever since then the Greece people have labour under the delusion that they are not needing to be taught anything by not nobody. Of course, is true that they have nothing to learn from the English about football—when was the last time the English ever win anything?—but they still need to be taught a lesson about believing things, and because in that part of Greece the native tongue is English, it all make sense from the point of view of the Church to put English nuns on the job. Also, as you know, England have a big surplus of nuns on account of there being so many ugly women there, as you can see: Nun is one of the top-paying jobs for ugly virgins in England, according to Business Week magazine.

I can hear all the septics among you saying to yourselves, and also to the person whose shoulder you are reading this over. You are saying, “Blimey, guvna, life is one big long holiday for some people, ain’t it though but?” And “Si,” I will say, “if you are referring to someone like Charles Manson or those peoples living it up in Guantamnamo Bay, like in the Otis Redding song. But not the English nuns. Because the English nuns are doing very important and challenging work, taking Christianity to the Heathen, with a capital aitch.” You see, for several thousand years, the Greeks have had to put up with the alien despotism and chaotic misrule by the patriarchs of the so-call Greek Ultravox Church, which is a pale, new romantic imitation of the one true church, mostly based in Vienna. They have never known the loving truth of the one true church, the compassionate forgiveness of the Sacred Heart, the loving intercession of Our Lady, the humbling self-abasement of confession. They have suffered in spiritual darkness for centuries, like metaphorical child labourers in a 19th-century Lancashire coal mine or a deformed bastard pygmy stepdaughter kept in a cupboard under the stairs and poked with knitting needles for the sexual gratification of the governess’s spaniel. Therefore it is being incumbent upon those of us from more advance nations (and I include only the Catholic portion of the English in this) to bring them into the light and show them the error, folly, wickedness and insolence of their continued lack of interest in God.

Now, I am realize of course that the word “Colonialism” might spring to some ill-thought-through minds. Colonialism is a much-bandled word around the place these days, and usually it is said as though it is a bad thing. But then I am also find very usually that when the term is being used, the argument in general is lacking in nuance, and usually a broken bottle is ending up in somebody’s face, whether they deserve it or not. But in fact, and this need to be said, there is BAD colonialism, and there is GOOD colonialism. BAD colonialism is anything done by the British Empire and the Americans, such as killing Red Indians, Brown Indians, Black Indians, and Pakis. And also slavery and cricket. GOOD colonialism is anything that is done with an educative purpose, such as the conquest of the Incas, the discovery of the New World (which all schoolchildren must learn about, thereby demonstrating conclusively its educative purpose), and the liberation of Morocco from the Moroccans. And also tapas.

“Even so,” you say, “don’t you not think, for esample, that it is provocative to build Catholic churches in the Greek outback or the middle of Russia, Manuel, where there is not a Holy Roman Catholic for thousands of miles? Is surely an act of aggression. Surely? Manuel? Are you still there?” “Yes I am,” I counterthrust manfully. “And also not at all. In fact, is quite possible that all the population there in Siberia are Holy Roman Catholics, escept that they do not know it yet. They have never have the chance to find out, however, because of the dastardly atheist Satanic Communism and the atheist Russian Ultravox Church. Thus, it follow that building churches is not an act of aggression. Is not even evangelism. Is purely educationative. It is a way to open people’s eyes to alternative lifestyle choices and also it will save their souls for eternity. Who could be oppose to that?”

But of course, the truth is that when somebody is use the word “Colonialism,” what they really are saying is that they resent having to learn something new. You will always find people like that, you know, no matter where you go in the world: Afghanistan, Iraq, Tibet, Cuba. Nothing but ingratitude. You try to do people a favour and save their souls and what do they do? They turn straight round and throw it right back in your face. Often also they have really bad breath and B.O.. It make you wonder sometimes why you bother.

Still, the Greece esperience was not a hole loss for the nuns. One of them, a Sister Michael “Mick” Underhill, was report as saying,

“The prison facilities were horrendous. You wouldn’t let the dog use the toilets in there. There was graffiti all over the walls. We were all squeezed into one cell with eight concrete beds, and we had to buy food if we wanted to eat.”

So is nice to know at least that the local police make them feel at home.

Is a joke!