Reality Shites
I’m to move house in the next couple of weeks, which should prove about as much fun as trampolining on a soiled mattress. The things we do for warmth and shelter, eh? At least the accompanying chaos will leave me television-less for a few weeks – an inconvenience I’m well looking forward to. Who needs to know how the feckless maggots in Big Brother are doing, anyway?
I don’t much follow the goings-on in the Big Brother house, outside of a scientific interest in whether inflatable bosoms can have an effect on the nads of men with no central nervous systems. But enough of my tireless devotion to biology and the mysteries of human motivation! It wasn’t me who locked these befuddled drones into whatever circle of hell Satan’s lost track of this week. I do, however, tend to trawl through entertainment news stories when I’m not tirelessly making breakthroughs in the socio-biological sphere/single-handedly rebuilding Ireland’s construction industry, which is where I came across this snippet on BreakingNews.ie.
Channel 4 have promised that, in order to celebrate ten gluttonous years of locking insane shysters in Lego houses, they will be springing “shocking” and “unexpected” twists and surprises on this year’s batch of imprisoned prannets. For our amusement, naturally.
Like a canister of Mary Harney’s farts, I find this hard to swallow. How could Channel 4 possibly entertain, through “shocking” and “unexpected” twists, an audience as banjaxed-tired as one who’s sat through a whole decade of “shocking” and “unexpected” twists already? The natural assumption is that they haven’t a hope in hell. Reality TV has desensitised … nay, dehumanised us to such a degree that we’ve soldiered through watching a withering airhead hawking her last breath…
… and the haphazard stitching together of a fake-titted dead woman and a washed up washboard.
I’d never admit to being at a loss (which is why myself and my bank manager are currently embroiled in vicious fisticuffs outside the Four Courts – catch us daily between 1 and 4pm), but even I’d have a hard time coming up with exciting diversions using such a half-baked collection of single-cell organisms as a trolleyload of Big Brother contestants. What the fuck can you possibly do with them that we haven’t seen before? Jesus Christ, Jade Goody died in front of us – you don’t get more twisted than that. For the record for the overlords at Channel 4: sticking Brian Dowling in the house for a couple of hours with the current splatter of human debris ain’t going to cut the wholegrain Dijon anymore. No. I think today’s audiences cannot help but be disappointed by histrionic promises. Unless it’s in the works that the Big Brother contestants will be rolled in cling film and pasted to the legs of rampaging bull elephants, or perhaps told that they’re about to meet Michael Jackson before being launched, one after another, onto the face of the White Cliffs of Dover, I think Channel 4 must prepare for the slump of viewer apathy.
Unless you lot can help? What would you do to the Big Brother contestants? It’s got to be something unexpected and shocking, now. I’m not sure if even pouring vodka into their Sumo Suits and setting ‘em aflame is good enough these days. More’s the pity Bless ‘em.
Being fecked out of Cork then. Good on ya. Is the wall built from the Shannon ta Kinvara yet. Ah never mind there is always Portumna, they’ll never be that quick.
I’ll have you know that I’m so welcome in Cork that they’ve built that wall to keep me in.
Ha, you must owe them a bloody fortune.
A troop of notable international cannibals selected from different countries, ranging from Armin Mueller Stahl to the American Jack Owen Spillman III,also known as the Werewolf Butcher,should do the trick.
One particular individual, a former Rap star known as “Big Lurch”, could provide the entertainment, while gnawing on Sopheyeahs ribcage.
Issei Sagawawa,punished for the crime of murdering and eating a dutch student while attending the Sorbonne in Paris after his release from a french prison, has become a celebrity chef in Japan, (Those Japanese Eh?) I’m sure he could come up with some creative recipes, while getting the contestants to unknowningly consume each other.
I’m sure the unexplained disappearances could be put down to creative differences or what ever.
See? This is why I’m a vegetarian now.
They could get all of the inmates’ ACTUAL big brothers to visit, eat all the food, drink all the drink and then beat the shite out of them. hahaha
Well, I’ve always wanted to see more of a “12 man enter, 1 man leave” vibe on the show. Everybody randomly selects a weapon from the ‘trove of mystery’ on their way in. Some lucky sods get knives, or semi-automatic machine guns; others get a giant shoe, or a novelty-sized spatula.
Then comes the twist. The last surviving contestant, believing himself to the recipient of 50,000 euro (or some similarly underwhelming amount), instead is called to the diary room, which has been loaded with a fully-grown, starved and deliberately agitated Bengal tiger.
…the tiger’s cubs have also been placed in the diary room, so that the tiger will feel her offspring are threatened when the door springs open. Also, the contestant will have been pre-smeared (with no idea why) in antelope blood, and have their hands cuffed behind their back. They will have to press the diary room door-open button with their face.
…or Fiann’s idea
…when the last contestant has been consumed, the cannibals will then consume each other in a frenzied holocaust, and the lone survivor will then consume him\herself, supporting the theory of “self sustainment on a desert island”.
You people sicken me.
All I wanted to do was launch them into a rockface.
Moving is sheer unadulterated hell. I would rather have a tooth pulled without the benefit of an anaesthetic than move again (which we will, invariably, since DH considers our current neighborhood “too urban” and can’t often find a parking spot unless he approaches Bronxville, the next town over….).
So, off we go to the country (one of these years). I guess I can always raise chickens……
MaryAnn
I would build the big brother hoose with asbestos and put lead in the water.
yes I’d move them to Ireland.