Most of my beautiful and young readers was not yet even being born when was happening the Malvinas War in 1982.  This was a minor skrimrish that take place in the South Atlantic between the vicious, cruel, brutal dictatorship of the evil wicked Margaret Thatcher of so-called Great Britain and the glorious military utopia of Argentina under the wise and prudent leadership of the General Galtieri.  The fighting was all occurring because of a small group of islands which was call the Malvinas, a Spanish name, you will notice, which give you an indication already of who the islands really and historically belong to (indeed, architectonic geology demonstrate conclusively that the islands are part of the same landmass of the Iberian Peninsula and therefore Spain have the best claim to them over anyone else, regardless of what the UN says.)

No.  Is NOT Me!  Is an Optical Illusion created by the Finns.

The war was fought out to an inconclusion and many irrelevant small people die to no useful end, and the matter is still not resolve even to this day, but it does provide for me one amusing anecdote that I am telling you, which go to show that at least the war have some use.

In this anecdote, the British army soldiers fighting in the Malvinas invent a nickname for the sheep-sexing islanders they were suppose to be defending. They refer to the islanders as “Bennys” because of their close resemblance to a character off the British television soap opera name Crossroads (which my beautiful and young readers will also not have been born before). Benny was looking like this:

Which in itself is very funny.  Yes, was all highly amusing and harmless fun at the espense of idiot rural types living in a stupid place. However, when the media get wind of this story and report it, there is a big kerfuffle in Great Britain because it demonstrate that the British army was not taking the war seriously. Therefore, the army hierarchy send down a message to the soldiers which tell them, “You cannot call the inhabitants of the Malvinas Islands Bennys any more.” The soldiers, being professionals, obeyed their orders, but later on in the campaign, a journalist overhear one of the soldiers now referring to the islanders as “Stills.” “Why are you now calling them ‘Stills’?” ask the journalist. And the solider reply: “Because they’re still Bennys.”

Is a joke!

“Ha ha, yes, is very good, Manuel, but where are you going with this?” you ask. Is a fair question. I will esplain. I was reminded of this story because in the news this week was a report about my old employer, the CNI, which is the Spanish Intelligence Service. Before I retire 3 years ago, when I was also beautiful and young, I was spend most of my time working in the lovely pissing Ireland, which is my spiritual home, escept for the weather. In those days, we also was having the nicknames for the various ministers and peoples whom we was work with, such as Biff O’Cowen, Bertie the Herne, Calamity O’Dea, and so on. For instance, the Department of Finance was we referred to as Funtasia, because it was like a fairground for the rich where everything was make-believe and although lots of money was spent in there you would always leave wondering where it was all gone and feel rather depressed afterwards. The another esample was the Bord Fáilte, now call the Fáilte Ireland, which was the tourism department (and who we therefore liaise with whenever we fancy a nice spa weekend away with masseuses and happy endings without the priest knowing). We was always refer to the people who work for the department as the Rain Men, because in all their photos they were allowed to show, there was never, never ever any single snot of rain, which was very funny, because as everyone know who have ever visited Ireland, it never stop raining. Even when the sun is shining and it is a heatwave, it is raining.

However, someone in the embassy must have inadvertently use this epithet to refer to the Bord Fáilte, and this enrage the Tourism minister who complain to the Spanish ambassador, who then send to us a very stern message about the use of the term Rain Man. What we was not realizing was that there had been a very famous movie featuring Tom Cruise and Dusty Noffman which was also call Rain Man, but it was about a mong character who have the County Down syndrome or some such illness, and the movie was call Rain Man because he have a speech defect which mean he could not say Rainment properly. No, it doesn’t not make sense to me either, but I have never heard of it, let alone seen it.

Thus therefore, we was required to stop referring to them as Rain Men. This to us seem really silly and petty and what is more it also mean that we would have to not mention the most salient feature about the tourism in Ireland. Was like a great big elephant in the room that nobody was allow to mention. Thus, from that point on, in order to avoid any controversy whatsoever and to placate our hosts, we no longer refer to any Bord Fáilte staff as the Rain Men. Instead we refer to them as the Elephant Men.

Anyway, the Spanish Intelligence Service was being in the news this week for this:

watch?v=rcG6VbOpFrA

The head of the service, Alberto Saiz, have had to make his resignation after being accusated of using taxpayers’ money to go on fishing trips and diving trips to the esotic locations such as the Senegal, the Gambon, the Barbrahamas, and Loch Snee. Saiz was not a popular appointment as head of the service, because he was put there by the socialist atheist Zapatero, and he therefore have no understanding of the traditions of the service (such as racism, hating foreingers, luncheon vouchers, devotion to El Generalísimo and cetera). Was all very demoralizing for my ursewhile colleagues, and they set about trying to remove Saiz by the dirty tricks (putting fake poo in his desk drawer, surfing for pronography using his PC, sending abusive text messages, killing his family pet). Also they then secretly release to the liberal media these photograph of Saiz fishing, as well as a picture which they say Saiz asked them to doctor in order to disguise him. As you can see, they did a very good job indeed!

Other things Saiz is suppose to have done is to have used Intelligence Service divers to clean his swimming pool, use Service trained dogs to fetch his slippers, go on night-time hunts for pigs in Mali (never a wise move; you have to be really hungry), and use a Falcon jet from the air force to travel from Madrid to Dakar in Senegal for a weekend fishing trip. Also he open people’s mail without asking.

When the newspapers get all these stories from the gruntled spies, Saiz run to his mentor and sweetheart, the snivelling Zapatero, and say “Do something! Do something! There are big boys picking on me! Sack them all!” Indeed, he have had already drawn up a list of 60 spies he want to have sacked, which he present to the prime minister. But Zapatero is too chickenshit coward and is knowing that all the damage is been done already in the media. He must therefore look like the courageous and stern leader that he is not. So he tell Saiz that he must fall on his swordfish and resign. Which he do.  And now everyone is happy.

Everyone, that is, escept for the idiot residents of the Malvinas, who are not yet back belonging to Spain. They are unhappy Stills!