Surprise Guest Post: Better Than Life
A highly irregular feature, on this occasion featuring the incomparable work of Khmer Rouge Strippergram’s Prenderghast
Program Listings 06/08/09
The Reality Channel
9.00 a.m. Chef Island
Top New York and London chefs left on a desert island without utensils or balsamic vinegar are expected to survive on tree bark for six weeks.
9.30 a.m. Are You Older Than a 10-year-old?
Half an hour with the innumerate.
10.00 a.m. I’m a Celebrity . . . Shoot Me!
F-list celebrities attempting to jump-start their careers and raise their profiles try to get themselves shot by schizophrenic stalkers.
11.00 a.m. Drunken Mutts Wedding
Arranged marriages between the family pets of violent East End alcoholics.
12.00 p.m. The weather. (Fiction)
12.05 p.m. Funeral Swap
This week, a devout Christian family from Huntingdon see their father burned on top of a traditional Hindu funeral pyre, and a Muslim family from Leeds watch as their mother’s remains are blasted into space.
1.00 p.m. Property Ladder
DIY experts vie for supremacy by battering each other with stepladders on a bouncy castle. In the dark.
1.30 p.m. Animal Hospital
This week the beloved drummer from the Muppets carries out open heart surgery.
2.00 p.m. Fat Race
A documentary about Texans. Part of the American Idle season.
3.00 p.m. The Liver Birds
Two women in need of a transplant take part in a series of challenges as they compete for a dead man’s liver. We also catch up with Mark Halstram, winner of last year’s show, The Kidney Kids, and find out what happened to all the losing contestants.
4.00 p.m. Talent to Burn
This week the teenage arsonists are let loose in a caravan park.
4.30 p.m. Airport: Celebrity Hijack
Terry Christian and Linda Lusardi are stuck on the tarmac at Luton as the bodies pile up around them.
5.00 p.m. Big Bother
Secret video footage of people looking bored or masturbating. Or both.
6.00 p.m. Whose Child Is It Anyway?
Parents compete to see how much neglect and abuse of their children they can get away with before they are taken into care.
7.00 p.m. Your Money or Your Life
Noel Edmonds kidnaps bank managers.
7.30 Sex Tourist: Banged Up a Broad
A coachload of single men from Guildford compare their STDs.
8.00 p.m. Flog Him!
Slave auctions from Liverpool, with David Dickinson and Michael Barrymore.
8.45 p.m. Dancing with Wolves
More ballroom shenanigans from Molineux with Mick and the lads.
9.30 p.m. It Shouldn’t Happen to a Bulimic
Dieting competition, plus a report on the latest radical weight-loss craze from the USA: amputation.
10.00 p.m. Before the Beak
True-life small claims court cases presided over by a trained Pelican.
10.45 p.m. Fuck Yourself, Skinny
Gordon Ramsay insults a roomful of supermodels nonstop for 45 minutes.
11.30 p.m. How Long Will You Live?
Special episode on the recent massive rise in the number of people dying in their sleep for no apparent reason whatsoever.
12.30 a.m. A Bedtime Prayer
12.35 a.m. Close.
How could a schedule like that be improved?
I was desperately (and selfishly) hoping that TV over there would be better than here in the States, as we are moving to Northern Ireland next year, but you have cruelly dashed my hopes, you heartless bastard.
And are those fanny pads stuck to your faces? “Son, you got a fanny pad on your head.”
Hey Fata–
We could easily be driven to sticking fanny pads to our heads by a lineup like that. Columbine, Oklahoma, Virginia tech: If only there had been sanitary wear available in the men’s room.
Most amusing, but the Big Brother thingy was too far-fetched an idea, and surely to god, could never work.
I do have to ask though, is your man here filling in for Sweary due to yet another almighty hangover preventing her fae tap tapping the keys this morning?
So, what you’re saying is that the killers in all of those locations were PMSing hard core, and had no accommodations for Aunt Flo when she was visiting?
Actually, it all makes sense now.
Hey Jimmy–
No. We’re hungover. It’s a prerequisite of posting here. Sweary can’t post because she’s sober.
Hey Fata again–
PMSing or prone to heavy nose bleeds. They come with all the stress of being a teenage mass murderer.
Dancing with Wolves is shite. Mick McCarthy’s Pase Doble is a joke. He sullies the name of Pase Doble.
Hi Flann–
And yet, in his day, he was one of the finest centre halfs Portuguese football ever produced.
I was always a fan…..and continue to be so, despite everything…….heg
Would I be a bit of a prick to leave a comment saying “TV Go Home” and nothing else?