Swine Who?
Embittered hag that I am, I was not moved by the recent story that swine flu had claimed its first victim in Iraq.
“I’m sure,” scoffed I, “that the Iraqi people have more alarming dangers to gnash their teeth over than fucking swine flu. One victim, when compared to the countless man-made monstrosities Iraq has suffered recently, is surely not all that newsworthy.”
“I find it newsworthy,” bellowed Swe.Ge, from behind the sofa. He’s been living there for the past while. Under a tinfoil blanket, breathing through a novelty Darth Vader helmet and with his feet in a bucket of bleach, he bats his flu-related fears over the back of the couch at regular intervals, connected to the rest of the world by the twin evils of broadband and the Fortean Times. Still, at least there’s more space in the bed at night.
“What’s newsworthy about it?” I asked, and threw in a little cough for entertainment’s sake. He shrivelled like a salted slug.
“Iraq is a Muslim country,” he said, when he recovered. “And … they don’t eat pigs. There are fuck all pigs in Iraq! It’s a hog-free zone! SO WHERE DID THEY GET SWINE FLU? All reaper, and no sow, yes yes.”
This swine flu debacle is really starting to annoy me, and not because it’s enduring more than bird flu did, or because I don’t think it dangerous. Or indeed because it’s driven my fella entirely mad. The flu is the flu is the flu. I don’t like getting the flu. It’s a right pain in the all-overs, and I accept it’s one of those things that can flatten you permanently, but at the end of the day, the flu can fly up my flue. And I realise I might get swine flu yet; I don’t believe I’m tempting fate by calling the flu the flu. Fuck the fucking flu! It’s just another fucking wrinkle to tack to the list of Things That Might Kill Me, after all. The Flu, rival despots, cancer, boy racers, falling into a crevasse, zombies, high blood pressure related to the fact that Cheryl Cole is fucking famous, rogue crane flies … I don’t think any of them are worth blowing about for more than ten minutes of my year. Like Morgan Freeman when they let him out of jail that time, I’m gettin’ busy living.
I seem to be the only one. Everyone I talk to is so worried about swine flu they become positively rabid when I sail in on the good ship Nonchalance, and bait me with third-hand stories about people who coughed their own lungs out or shivered so hard they bored holes in the floor. And perhaps I can understand why – nonchalance can be very offensive. I could nonchalant my way into a fatwa (don’t believe me? I don’t care. Sucks to be you).
Tragically, though, swine flu is not Kerry Katona, and will not go away if you ignore it. So what’s the point of nonchalance? Surely it cannot be applied as anything other than a boost to mental health for those times when you’re surrounded by hypochondriacs, or as a method of annoying one’s G.P?
Not entirely. I figure that when swine flu comes a’ knocking, you’d want to be in a fit state for it, not so exhausted by the probabilities and possibilities that it ends up consuming you, bones and all. If we all run about screaming about swine flu and spraying everything that moves with Domestos, we’ll have no energy left for battling the bastard when it mutates past our feeble kitchen-cleaner defences. Outside of huge profits for the pharmaceutical industry in this global recession, what good will worldwide vaccination programmes do against something that’s been around longer than Gay Byrne and can adapt faster than Enda Kenny’s policies, anyway? And there’s no point stock-piling oranges, either. They go off.
Nope, I’m positive that the best weapon against Mother Earth’s population-control policies is not giving half a gob about any of it. There are some things you just shouldn’t waste your time fretting over. Whatever happens, happ…
Ooh. Phew. Bit of a flush, there. I’m not feeling so fabulous. Must be the ranting. Think I’d better … have a lie down …
Hola Sweary!
I espect the swine flu will spread like the plague through the Muslim world, where they are not allowing alcoholic handwashes for fear that English builders will drink them.
Is probably the CIA behind it all. Not Israel. Not this time.
Besos
Manuel
Aren’t the CIA and Israel the same thing? It can’t be that all those internet mailing lists I’m subscribed to are wrong…
Unless the CIA’s gotten to ‘em!
Yup. I’m definitely unwell.
Being Nochalant about the whole thing is the rigth attitude, but it’s a human problem caused by human actions, inactions and wrong actions…
Not many of us will die but it’s a flu that will spread like wild fire if given the chance, and it’s a nasty flu. It won’t kill the average infected person but it will cause a lot of Man Flu type suffering.
The effect on the economy will be pretty bad. Its already a problem in the UK where they’re all getting sick, mainly due to their packed and non-hygenic transport system.
Won’t to know why swine flu isn’t killing off americans at the same rate of the brits? Air-conditioning and 1 person per car, thats why. Mod-cons and consumerism seems to be saving americans from suffering. Where as stiff uperlip constantly rain soaked Brits are suffering en mass, all the better for them…
As a student nurse this obviously cross’s my mind. Infact IF i pass my exams and make it to 3rd year freshers week in Trinity will be hell. I’ll be on placement but also helping my friends in the society. How will i balance looking after Sick patients and also looking after bewildered fuckwit Freshers carrying all sorts of germs! The pens alone for registration will be swarming with disease. The societies will be thronging with the sniffles as they turn over 3,000 fresh new flea bags for their annual coffers collection that is freshers week.
It wouldnt surprise me that all of my society freinds will be sick, not only from 6 days straight of hard labour and hard drinking, but also from the infections those acned barely legal freshers will be brining with them.
Forget the in fashion STD that is MUMBS in today’s youth, this year it will be Swine Flu!
My flatmate got swine flu a few weeks ago, reckons she caught it at LoveBox. I live with the girl and I haven’t so much as sneezed since. I think it’s all blown out of proportion…
It’s blown about by sneezes, Lou. The horror!
I’m sure the Brits will suffer on gamely, Hugo Fitz. It’s what they’re best at, outside of queueing and genocide. Nurses, on the other hand? I don’t know. I’m hoping that this swine flu thing will make all of the nurses beyond capable of picking up any kind of virus at all, super-immunity, all of that. Entirely by accident, we could create a whole army of biologically-advanced super soldiers who can down a bottle of tequila and stitch themselves up on the battlefield. Nice one.
Blown about by sneezes maybe, but my money says half the people who have called in sick don’t actually have it. All you have to do in London is fill out a questionnaire online, say you have three of the symptoms and then they give you a prescription for tamiflu that a ‘flu friend’ can pick up. Have proof of that and you can take a whole week off work without ever having to see a doctor in person or needing to get a medical cert…
It could be argued ( from behind the couch ) that this is just the latest misdirection from our soon to be ” New World Order ” Overlords.
Evidence for an actual Level 6 WHO pandemic is practically non- existent, and what better way to take the focus from the worst World Financial Crisis in living memory, than a pandemic which threatens to kills us all if we don’t all take our untested state vaccinations.
I read this on the internet…
Hola Swe.Ge–
They did the same thing after the first world war and then blamed the Spanish!
Besos
Manuel
I hope you’re wrong Sweary. I was kind of banking on Swine Flu wiping out the entire population of earth, and carried out certain ‘deeds’ in that repercussion-free mindset. Terrible deeds that a non-dead society will struggle to come to terms with.
How the hell did you find that photo. Do you not see what will happen when the pigs jaw muscles will go into spasm with that splinter.
Good stuff. swine flu=man flu for all but the most unfortunate. We were told this morning at work that there was one suspected case in our office but not to tell the peons yet so as not to alarm them. However, if anyone else had bad sniffles or looked like they were dying to send them home.
We all pretended to sneeze then.
Brilliant post.
I identify highly with Swe.Ge, but since we already had the Swine Flu back when it first hit (Southern California is just North Mexico) we’re now waiting for winter and the next round, Swine Flu 2.0.
I had a regular flu years ago and it damn near killed me, but Swine Flu was just… weird. Didn’t feel all that bad, and I lost 12 lbs., so I give it a thumbs up.
I’d like to hear more about these rogue crane flies; I am deathly afraid of crane flies so if there is a conspiracy afoot I would like to keep informed, as long as there are no pictures involved.
we had swine flu here too in this house in New England. 3 of us were fine. Heart kid ended up visiting 2 hospitals, hit 105 degrees in temp and once again, added grey hairs to his mother. Of course he has “underlying health issues”. If you’re in good shape you’ll be fine. Wash your hands and stay home if you feel unwell.
Well, it is a bit odd that they’ve got swine flu in a country with no swine. That’s a miracle. Bless them. I suspect the good Christian lord is at work – turning water into wine, bring swine to the masses.
My brother has stockpiled Tamiflu in his cupboard and several months on, my friends still get sent home from work if they sniffle. So much for this being a Christian country after all.
Reading so many articles about it… To be afraid, or not?