In a delicious twist on my ‘Final Page’ series (see previous instalments here), I now present the first page of my war novel ‘Ambush in Saigon’, with the final page to follow tomorrow.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all customers doubt you
But make no allowance for their doubting too,
If you can …

I phoned my sexiest friend the other day.
“Here, la,” says I, lounging on silk sheets in a pink push up bra and French knickers. “Should we hit the town later or what?”

Dear Lily,
Go away. Just … go away.
Yours, Sweary

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Be assertive with colleagues this week. Don’t be afraid to lay down the law. Though you’ll spontaneously combust at midday on Sunday, a torrential downpour will douse the flames and …

Out Of Office Auto Reply: Please be aware that Mr. Manuel Estimulo is otherwise engaged for the next couple of weeks. Sweary shall take the floor today in his absinthe. Should you require further assistance, …

I was in Dunnes Stores the other day on the hunt for a new pair of cheap trousers for work. Finding black trousers that are both generous in waist and short in length is no …

As my most devoted followers will know (big shout-out there to mah peeps in Arbour Hill!), I turned vegetarian about ten months ago, give or take the odd mix-up in the McDonalds order.

And I have …