Take My Sex Test!
One of the big main problems with the world is the proliferancing of the sexual thoughts. Everywhere you are look today, there is something that will make you think of sex, whether it is advertisings for ladies’ bras, unmarried dogs humping on the corner of the street unable even to look one another in the eye, or Beyoncé Knowles grinding her buttocks into your paella through the vile and feculent medium of the television set. Even when I am watching the news these days, I an unable to ignore the fact that the newsreaders are masturbating under the desk while telling us about the latest job losses or a cat that teaches dancing. These is all symptomatisms of the corruption and decadence of materialist consumer capitalism, underpimped by the so-called scientific method introduced by the disgraceful “Enlightenment,” which have rendered nothing sacred and everything open to investigation and esploration and probing with fingers. If we are sit around waiting for a return to better days of ignorance, feudalism, faith and a bit of romance and mystery, then we will be a long time sitting waiting. Instead we must get up out off our beanbags, pouffes, and hammocks and actively do something to encourage a greater willingness in people to say, “I don’t not want to know!” Is with this in mind that I have originated hereinbeforetoday my special free sex test and consultation, which, I can guarantee, if you take it and follow my advice, will ensure that you will never want to think about the sex again. Which is, I think, at least one fairy step in the right direction.
You must answer the questions below to the best of your ability, putting your responses in my Comments Box. I will then give you a personalized confidential private assessment which everyone can see and which will cure you of the sex forever more.
Question 1: You are at a party which is being attending by members of a royal family, celebrities, professional footballers, and David Bowie. Two semi-clad ladies wearing masks ask you if you would like to come upstairs with them for an Australian Bead. Do you . . .
(a) Tell them you are allergic to parrots?
(b) Ask them if you can have a Bailey’s with ice instead?
(c) Drop your trousers on the spot and ask the bishop if he still has the cling film?
(d) Throw your glass at David Bowie, cutting his eyebrow, and in the ensuing melée make a run for it?
(e) Lick your eyebrows knowingly and ask which of them will be the pouch?
Question 2: Who invented fellatio? Was it
(a) The filthy Greeks?
(b) The filthy Italians?
(c) The filthy French?
(d) The filthy Germans?
(e) Phil Atyeo, 32 Regnery Park, Walthamstow?
Question 3: Look at the photograph below:
Does this picture arouse in you feelings of
(a) Curiosity?
(b) Rage?
(c) Lust?
(d) Indifference?
(e) Envy?
(f) Disgust?
(g) Fear?
(h) Laughter?
(i) Reverence for the majesty and glory of God’s creation?
(j) Déjà Vu?
Question 4: Look again at the above picture. Which part of your anatomy would you most like to insert into the orifice depicted?
(a) Your forefinger.
(b) Your big toe.
(c) Your penis.
(d) Your best friend’s penis.
(e) Your worst enemy’s penis.
(f) Your tongue.
(g) Your nose.
(h) Your fist.
(i) Your head.
Question 5: How many penises does a Protestant (male) have?
(a) One.
(b) Two.
(c) More than two, some of which may not be his own.
(d) This is just the sort of information that nobody needs to know.
Question 6: In 30 words or less, describe your favourite sexual fantasy which include me.
Question 7: How many times in her life can the average lady espect to achieve the orgasm?
(a) Every night between 8.00 and 10.00 p.m.
(b) Each washing day
(c) How absurd. Ladies do not have the orgasms. And if they do it should be stopped.
(d) It depend on how long her arms are.
(e) Every time she give birth.
(f) Only during Mass.
(g) She can have one anytime she like if she is in a monogamous Catholic marriage, but that situation alone is usually enough to give all decent ladies all the bliss they need.
(h) Never, unless she want to burn in Hell.
Question 8: When Jesus was make the reappearance to the disciples after he was crucified, which part of his body did Thomas put through the hole in Jesus’s hand?
(a) His finger
(b) The Bible is not specify.
(c) No part of his body. He just dipped his bread in it.
Question 9: What is your favourite breed of cat?
(a) The one with nine lives
(b) The one with nine tails
(c) The Siamese twins
(d) The Manx circumcised
(e) The Tortoisehead
(f) The Cougar
(g) The Egyptian Sphincter
Question 10: Contraceptives are
(a) An abomination in the eyes of God.
(b) A necessary evil in this day and age.
(c) God’s cunning way of reduce the number of Protestants in the world.
(d) An excuse to have sex before marriage.
(e) Interfering in Nature’s plan to give fornicators AIDS.
(f) Useful for smuggling Eastern European religious relics through customs.
(g) All of the above escept (b)
Find out now how perverted you are!
Doctor Ruth is nothing compared to you!!
Hola Penelope!
Si. The lady doctors are not have the necessary anger to deal appropriately with sexual issues.
Besos
Manuel
I don’t agree with this thing called sex… I myself only have children by means of a turkey baster.
I must now lie down with the shock of all of this and imagine you flagellating yourself as I hope you are doing you dirty, dirty little man.
Hola Manuel,
Here are the results from the Swearington Jury.
b,a,g,e,d, the one in the Tesco car park, f, e, f, d
I look forward to your deep and meaningfuls.
Sweary
Also, that picture. No, no, no. It looks infected, and you made me lose my breakfast.
Hola Sweary!
Please contact me offline to arrange an especial in-person consultation. Also, there is no answer (e) for No. 8, unless you have invent a new and esciting original one, which is all the more reason to see me.
Besos
Manuel
Hola K8!
I am also not agree with the sex, but it seem to be a fact of the modern world (*spits*). I am do what I can to minimize the incidences of it.
I think I am know this Turkish bastard of who you speak. The police has been distributing the photokit pictures of him all over Europe. It sound at least quite a reppulsive way to have the sex. Well done.
Thank you also for your answering to No. 6. Is really the most important question.
Besos
Manuel
Maybe it was “c”, then. Do I still need to see you personally? I’m very busy right now, what with harvest time and those WASPS in my apple tree. More protestants, don’t you know.
Hola Sweary!
Just phone me, please, on my private number. Is 0800-NGORGED.
Besos
Manuel
Isn’t that Mark E. Smith?
Bon Dia Manuel
My answers are a,b,b,a,you with Abba and a,b,b,a.
What does this tell you about me? (apart from the fact that I’ve missed question 5 out)
Bye
Martin
Hola Martin!
So far, your answers is the most normal. You are beyond help and, possibly, redemption.
Which is your favourite member of Abba? How you respond will determine whether or not you go to Hell.
Besos
Manuel
Bon Dia Again!
My favourite member of ABBA is the one with the beard. Anna-Frid I think her name was.
Bye
Martin
Hola Martin!
All is not lost. They were my favourite too.
Besos
Manuel
Did you let Hornolo ghuest-write this one for you?
Hola Conun!
Hornolo is not dead! He is currently attempting to frot around the world single-handed. I am get a postcard from him last week in Rio. He has been there now four month. The writing was very shakey.
Besos
Manuel
I cannot help but think you must have been inspired by that “Rack or Crack” quiz making the rounds on Facebook. I got a link for it this morning and it was deja vu!!
But of course your quiz is far more realistic!! Graphically so.
B; A; H; H; D; You, me and sweary. You leave and don’t come back.; D; C; G; F
Besos!!!
Hola Penelope!!
Fascinating. I have never receive answers before with such a clear sign of pyschosis. You are clearly have the narcissistic spilt personality conundrum along with the possessive-repulsive disorder and the two left foot in mouth ulcer. You are my kind of lady.
Could you please be more graphic in your description of the fantasy part after I have gone (in 30 words or less)?
Besos
Manuel
I do hope that orifice doesn’t belong to anyone I know.
Hola Daphne!
Is only one way to find out!
Print off multiple copies and carry them with you whenever you are go to parties, then show it to peoples and ask them if they are recognize it.
Or you could make it into a WANTED poster.
Besos
Manuel
Hola Stretch!
He is difficult to identify when he is not having his makeup on. I can see the resemblance.
Besos
Manuel
PLEASE take that hideous picture down. I’m not sure that it is in fact what it is clearly supposed to represent and possibly it is going to be revealed in a later blog as as some horrible injury to a completely different part of the human body but it is nothing like anything I’ve ever come across in a lifetime of below the equator exploration. REMOVE IT NOW BEFORE I LOSE ANOTHER MEAL.
Hola 1!
What are you think that it represent? Your answer is very important and also will be very revealing.
More important, is it make you stop thinking about sex? Then my job is done!
Besos
Manuel