I am this week bringing you the Good News almost like an evangelical Protestant, escept without the scary stare, the Sarah Palin grin, or the subconscious knowledge that I am anyway going to Hell in a handbasin.  Beside, I am never not being the one for the theological proselytising, because I believe that Roman Catholicism is plain common sense, and if people do not have the capacity to recognize its inherent but nevertheless nondemonstrable truth, then no amount of praying for them, setting them a good esample, or kidnapping and waterboarding them will persuade them to understand the majesty of Our Lord’s message; all we can do under the circonstances is to keep them away from our children, paint a big red cross on their door, and spread rumours about them. That will prevent their ignorance from having a corrupt influence on devout pious normal people such as me.

Behold at the Religious Symbolism!!

The Good News I am bring you is the invention by a man name Christian Williams—Si! Is his real name, and not just a coincidence—of the above pictured Bacone, a combination of Bacon and ice cream cone. Christian is from San Mateo, California; you have no need for me to tell you that San Mateo is the patent saint of tax collectors, bankers, security guards, bouncers, and so on, but also of celebrity chefs! Si. This is also cannot be any coincidence. And therefore I am conclude that this invention have been sent as a sign by God for His chosen people, the Catholics, and He have given this to us so that we may have a way of identifying one another when we are, for esample, in the restaurants, at the football matches, in the swimming baths, at the corrida, or when speed dating. After all, the Hindus have the vindaloo curries, the Muslims have the sheepses’ eyeballs, the Protestants have the pretzels, and the Jews have the matzos made with the blood of Christian children, so is about time we Catholics are have our own identifying food, and the Bacone fit the bill perfectly.

Consider the religious symbolism of this most perfect of foodstuffings: First of all, the Bacone is made of pork, which is mean that it cannot be eaten by any Jew or Muslim or Hindu, all of who regard the pig as unclean. Second, the inside of the cone is filled with the egg, which as all good Christian know, is the symbol of rebirth, which is to say the Resurrection, and therefore is the embryo of Our Lord Jesus himself. Indeed, the very shape of the cone is symbolic of the Cornucopia, the source of all fertility, the womb of Our Lady which give birth to our saviour. Finally, the Bacone is topped off with biscuits and gravy, which is an American invention but nevertheless in this case a good thing. The biscuit, which is putting a seal on the top of the Bacone, represent Our Lady’s unbroken hymen, because when she was conceiving Jesus, having the sex with God, we know that her hymen was not being broken but remain intact, just like a buttermilk biscuit. And the gravy is the holy amniotic fluid in which the Baby Jesus float inside her. There is no placenta in this recipe, however, only hash browns and cheese.  This is because the Bible does not say whether Our Lady had a placenta nor what happen to it after Jesus was being born. I espect if she had one that the ass and the ox ate it and then was acquire the superpowers.  But we will never know for sure because the writer was distracted.

The Bacone is not only filled with religious symbolism:  Is also filled with fat and cholesterol, which represent any true Christian’s disregard for the things of the flesh or the physical well-being of the carnal body that is house the soul. By devoutly consuming nine or ten Bacones per day, Catholics will feel spiritually uplifted and at the same time will punish their flesh in a manner that does not have the unfortunate side-effect of building muscle and stamina in the way that flagellation, climbing Croagh Patrick, or hanging weights from your nipples might. What is more, the Bacone is afford Catholics not just the opportunity for profound reflection on the miracle of birth, but also the chance to think about the sins of the flesh, the centrality of suffering and pain in human redemption, and guilt at eating out Our Lady’s most intimate Our Ladybits.

I have write down the recipe for the Bacone to the best of my ability so that you can start making them at home. I will confess that I am not a celebrity chef, even if I have on occasion used the M word, the P word and also the S.B.T. word, sometimes even in the kitchen! Neverthenonetheless, I have made several Bacones with much success, and my sweats are now not just meatier but also more reverential.  Here is what you must do:

1: Get bacon.
2: Make bacon into a cone
3: Put bacon cone into a fryer. Not a friar. This is an old chipmunk joke that is unworthy of a serious religious recipe
4: Scramble eggs
5: Put eggs and hashbrowns and cheese into cone
6: Put gravy and biscuit on top, in that order.
7: Wave incense over finished Bacone
8: Eat from the top down. On no account should you bite a hole in the bottom of the Bacone and suck the contents out through it. This is the symbolic equivalent of aborting Jesus. You will go to Hell just for thinking about doing this.
9: Make another one

There is a more graphic account of making a Bacone here. (Warning: The pictures make my Sex Test photo from last week look like a Nativity Scene.)

So now, what are you wait for? Pig Out For Jesus!!