I Believe In Teh Lol And Teh Lol Will Go On And On
I’m a lover of eloquent words, a believer in the destructive power of a timely quip, or the restorative properties of a beautifully-turned compliment. But I’m also … of a certain age. And I can’t quite bring myself to shun the likes of …
Hey gurl hw u, wat time u fnsh up sat nite, im dyin wit shame, cant belev we got arestd, txt bk xoxo
God forgive me?
I know I should be mightily ashamed, and splitting the hangman’s rope into nine tails for a decent bout of self-flagellation, but I’m really not all that affected by text speak. I don’t indulge in it myself, except when I really have to get down with the homies and regulate/relegate myself linguistically to converse with mah peeps, for customarily, words like “customarily” will get you nothing but a rake of fake nails across your gob.
Oh, ok. So maybe my lack of hatred for the genocide of the Queen’s English has allowed me to … dabble?.. in grammatically disastrous abbreviations when it suited me. Time dribbles through one’s fingers, does it not? And thumbs are so much bigger than the buttons on a dainty handset. And if even a smug wordsmith such as myself can slip into convenient stoopidity, well, surely that means that some of those unholy word-abortions are here to stay? I think they are. Here are my predictions for the next words to be accepted onto a Leaving Certificate English Paper … grudgingly, like Anna Wintour accepting a spit-promise handshake from Cheryl “Ah’m soo pleased to meet yiz” Cole.
LOL & ROFL: Well, yes. Not only do I type lol in emails, texts and chats (for I can think of nothing worse than people taking my innate sarcasm for clear-eyed honesty), but I find myself saying “lawl”, in much the same lazy way you’d say “drawl”. Lol as gentle sarcasm, lol as letting whoever you’re speaking to know you’re not wholly amused, but you’re not about to go calling for the iron maiden either. Rofl because it’s fun to say, as any misrponunciation of Rolf should be. Rofl sounds like something a dog might say, in a circus or whatnot. Try it out! “Mark’s girlfriend just left him for a woman, rofl.” It’s wonderfully therapeutic!
u: Because there’s hardly point in the y and the o when all you pronounce is the u. No? It’s just wasteful, and a symbol of more indulgent times, using three letters when one will do. Not that the swap from you to u will prove pure and simple, for I don’t approve of urs for yours. Urs sounds like a D4 twat’s pet name for her publicist Ursela; “Urs, be a dear and sort out this ill-advised affair I had with the arch-chancellor, will u?”
b: In much the same way as u, what’s the point of the e in be? It’s spelling out a letter! Sure that makes no sense! How can you spell a letter, doubleyou ex why zee?
coz: I don’t say because unless I’m horrendously angry. “Beee-coz”, I might shout at a subordinate, “I fucking said so!” And as illustrated above, I don’t say because, I say becoz. No one says because. Because, when uttered aloud, sounds like something that should be only heard next to In sooth, or verily. “Be-cause for alarm, mortal!” That kind of shite.
As the great philosopher Barbara Dickson said, “Nothing is so good it lasts eternally”, or “Nutin iz so gud it lsts etrnly” when she’s covered by a chav choir (musically covered, you freaks). Besides, the English systematically destroyed our language; I feel it’s time to return the favour. Gently, like. And even though the simplification of language benefits us all (apart from those of us who like feeling superior, but trust me, if I can get over it, so can you), we can snidely call it Revolution, and bask in the Gud Life once the whole messy business is put to bed.
Hv a gr8 w/e, fkrs!
I h8 dis shyte lisa..its jus bollix & ne1 wud b retardead 2 agree. soz. ur all rong on dis n u no it 2.
“do u c yer wan, forget about smugglin peanuts, she has nipples u cud dial a fone wid.”
Found that one on my wanderings. I’m not at all sure about it, but I do like it. It’s a bit like Numper, or Baloobas.
Ohai! U has obviously nawt seen mah kitteh blog.
Truly, if you heard me in RL, you’d be totally shocked, dude. And I’m gonna be 40 in a few months, so how sad is that? The Fledgling Sparrow, who just went off to Uni, also speaks lol. Mind you, she doesn’t have a cell phone and has never texted; it’s me that has corrupted her. And yes, we also say “lawl” and pronounce “the” as “tuh,” to correspond with “teh.” The Fledgling Sparrow was very disappointed that her hippie Uni did not offer a lol-speak class, or even offer lol as a foreign language. I mean, after all, it is like Ebonics for white people.
We just got teh Interwebs hooked up here at my parent’s house, where we are resting before our migration to Norn Iron, and when the installation tech showed up yesterday, I could barely restrain myself from hugging him, after a week-and-a-half without the ‘Net. The first words out of my mouth to him? “Ohai! Teh Intertubes, you has brought dem?!” He was most amused that this grey-haired, pudgy, housewifey lady (yours truly) was able to speak his language. While not a 1337 haxxor myself, I do get by. The Spouse Sparrow, on the other hand, almost died of embarrassment.
If you really want to see what a mess the English language has come to, ask a teenager to actually write something out, by hand. They can’t. Reading their writing is like trying to decipher hieroglyphics. Sure, they can tag, and write gangish, but legible English? Not a chance.
Well, in fairness, I tks we cn78 wk27d sdkewi. Think about it. You know I’m right.
Wot no Mo7oR81K3s?
Can’t comment. I text with one hand and refuse to let my phone tell me what it thinks I’m going to say. One step up the evolutionary chain from the luddites.
“Wot no Mo7oR81K3s?”
Sweary, are you going to stand idly by and allow Swe.Ge to peddle his racist propaganda on Coddle Pot?
Luddites ftw!!
Or “4 teh win”, as more learned folks might say.
Ms. Sparrow touches upon the darkest corner of this dark side of the evolution of language. Teenagers cannot express themselves through the written word. Their grunts can no longer be translated, through shaky pen and the pain of isolation, into beautiful journal entries, poems, heartfelt Nirvana-influenced songs, raps, or anguished short stories featuring smouldering but non-threatening boys without willies. Have you SEEN any Bebo blogs recently?
O mi gawd im hvn soooo mny probs wit my mom no1 und3rstnds me i tink il strt cuttin mys3lf pain pain 3v3r 43vr <3 <3
What’s the point of a cry for help if no one can read the fucking thing!?
Dammit, Flann, that’s not racist, it’s xenophobic, which is waaaay nicer liek.
I don’t understand this shit. You’re all fookin’ mad.
Here’s a very thing, a serious thingy for this coddley smiley place. Our own bottler of water can’t write stuff which is okay by me, cept she’s doing inter cert this year. I’ve seen her essays and homework and it’s rampant with these e-bonicseses. wtf do I do ? (and I know that’s the wrong context but wtf)
I used to be part of a video game forum/online community absolutely filled to the html with grammar Nazis. Make her join one immediately.
While I can read text-speak, I cannot, somehow, bring myself to write it.
As a person, ahem, of a certain age, I remember the advertisements in the subway enticing young ladies to take shorthand classes. (That, essentially, would state, if you can read this, then you, too, can be a shorthand-typist….). I was not enticed then….and I am not now.
Clarity in speech and in the written word is very important….
Understood. But also important is not being charged for two text messages when what you need to convey can be told in one, with some well-placed butchering of the enemy tongue. Ahem, etc.
Hmmmm. Yes, I get the financial aspect!!! Still….I’ve never really “gotten” texting. Why not just drop a dime??
“Enemy tongue” — well, one cannot say we haven’t put it to good use!!
all best,
MaryAnn
I gave up reading after the first paragraph, it annoyed the bejayzus out of me not to mention it further fried my already dying brain cells. Fucking hate texting, in fact I hate phones, there it goes right now…
jaysus… the world has cowped.
…just bcoz, k?