Ethic Cleansing
As my most devoted followers will know (big shout-out there to mah peeps in Arbour Hill!), I turned vegetarian about ten months ago, give or take the odd mix-up in the McDonalds order.
And I have endeavoured, give or take the odd mix-up in the McDonalds order, to be a very good vegetarian. My reasons for forsaking the tasty taste of tasty death concern animal welfare and my fretting over the intensive farming methods that have made the traditional small farmer an endangered species. Not to mention the fact that said methods don’t stand up well to the scrutiny of a kindly soul with an easily upset tummy-wummy. Whaddya mean, you gots to keep a dairy cow lactating? Don’t cows produce milk all the time? DID ALL MY PRIMARY SCHOOL READERS LIE TO ME??!?!
Bleargh, in other words.
Let me make this clear. I have nothing against eating animals. Animals are very yummy. I just can’t stomach the thought of gobbling something that was begat of artificial insemination to a stressed mother, pumped up with hormones on a feed lot, and slaughtered after three years in a box it couldn’t even turn round in, all to pump a jazillion tonnes of farts into our already off-kilter atmosphere for a measly ten minutes worth of Big Macs (I don’t have as much a problem with organic meat, though I do feel that you’re asked to pay extra for the usual amount of dead animal simply because the farmer had a slightly bigger field). So, in principle, the idea of munching on a piece of pig doesn’t really offend me, but the way in which we grow the pig for slaughter does. Simple, no?
Because being a veggie should be simple. All you have to do is Not Eat Meat. As Bart Simpson says (and it was Bart Simpson and Lou the Cow that prodded my conscience so in the first place), “Don’t have a cow, man.” No rashers. No sausies. No beef in yer stir fries. This wasn’t difficult at all for me, as I was never a big meater-eater in the first place, though foregoing chicken liver pate was a big sacrifice, because it tastes like … I dunno, what would an angel’s poo taste like? Anyway, vegetarianism should not prove too much of a challenge.
Yeah. My mistake.
Being a vegetarian is fucking mind-melting. Don’t eat meat? Don’t eat fucking meat? You think that dead animals are tidily contained in meat? Fucking hell, it was only t’other day I realised the amount of non-vegetarian cheeses out there. How could something as pleasantly placid as a lump of cheddar be full of dead calves? Cheeses wept, like!
The realisation that cheese, my light, my joy – my cheeson for being, as it were – is not necessarily suitable for the well-meaning but hopelessly uneducated veggie can be summed up with the following Tweet.
Indeed, there be dead animals in everything. Additives, refined cane sugar, that pink food dye I splattered all over me ice-creams when I was a wee carnivore… I knew that the days of marshmallow krispie squares were over when I vowed to stop nibbling on anything that was sauntering along the cutsie road to sentience, but Jesus Christ, you get pink from slaughtered insects?
The further into the murky depths of responsible eating I dived, the more I longed for an instant hardening of the heartstrings so’s I could get back to picking rasher fat out of my teeth. If you’re going veggie on the Animal Rights ticket, then you have to consider giving up dairy products, because the methods used to keep moo-cows lactating for our lips are as barbaric as chopping them into little bits to make kebabs. If you’re worried about the poor wee lambs not enjoying being marinated, then you should also turn your nose up at their being sheared in the name of big business. If you’re not too fond of crushing kittens, don’t you think it odd to endorse fucking lobsters into pots of boiling water?
But, should I start down this eye-opening and gut-churning path, where will it end? Will I relegate myself to the Crazy Lady role, handing out scary pamphlets at family dinners and throwing paint over brides in silk dresses? Will I end up infested with headlice, dressed in rags I fashioned out of my own dreadlocks, living in a cave and eating scree?
My worry is that one cannot live ethically, in the same way that one cannot admit to punching babies or having slept with Paris Hilton. If you’re not exploiting the workers, you’re exploiting the third world. If you’re not contributing to the deaths of helpless animals, you’re putting money into the hands of criminals. If you’re not sneering at single mums, you’re laughing at people with gimpy legs. And so on and sew the seeds of destruction.
For the first time in my life, I’m asking myself to choose a path that’s not one at a geometrically-convenient crossroads. I’m on a fucking merry-go-round, and it’s moving so fast I can’t see where I’ll end up when I finally get off the fucking ride. Whichever way is going to leave me dishevelled and nauseous.
Oh, what’s the fucking point? Pass me the sauteed bunny rabbits with the cocaine chaser; I give the fuck up.
I’m couriering you some fillet steak with black pudding….you’ll have it for breakfast…
Mmmmmmm black pudding……SO yummy.
Afraid I don’t have any answers to your larger questions…..
But….meatless life is doubtless healthier than clogging ones arteries with plaque.
Lentils, for instance, are quite delicious and very healthy. I daresay one needn’t feel any anxiety at all when eating lentils….(as long as no slave labor was involved in their production, of course……).
GOOSE liver pate…spread on crusty French bread….now….that’s my favorite….with a lovely glass of red wine….
Animals love to be slaughtered for food just ask a farmer. If God had intended us to be vegetarians he would have made vegetables taste good.
Red peppers are the food of the GODS, Knudsen. You crazy, foo’!
MaryAnn, I see a fatal flaw in your theory, for lentils are fucking disgusting.
I, too, love the taste of pate, but only in my more barbaric moments. Once I actually sat down and thought about it, I decided I could never eat the stuff again.
Now if I could only cure my salt addiction, I’d be laughing.
Manuel, you can’t tempt me with a plateful of cold clotted blood. Jus’ sayin’.
Sauteed bunny rabbits are delicious. Or bunny rabbits with a nice kriek sauce.
But if you eat only rabbits, you’ll die of malnutrition: or so I heard on QI on the telly last year.
And only yesterday, I was gorging myself on a selection of French cheeses, sausages, salamies, and foie-gras. All washed down with yummy red-wine.
Why is it that the automatic response to the veggie is “Mmmm, yummy meat, it’s so YUMMY, MMMMM! MMMMM!”
I know meat is yummy. I actually quite like it. I love cheese. Basically what I don’t like is knowing how the stuff is produced. Ignorance is bliss, and delish, and makes you very fat.
If I ate only rabbits, I think my family would have me committed on top of everything else. Can you imagine me frolicking through the fields every morning on all fours, hunting down ze bunnies?
Unless you can buy them in SuperValu now.
Sweary, I share your frustration.
My first stint as a veggie was from age 15-22 and then again I gave it up when I turned 29 and haven’t had meat since.
But I do eat seafood.
Being 100% ethical about your diet borders on the impossible.
I try to minimize the harm I take part in, but then you can only do so much before food becomes a punishment/problem rather than a lovely part of life.
Also, I cook and serve meat because it’s not my business to direct anyone else’s diet.
Simple, all you have to do is keep your own animals for eating. That way you know they’ve had the best of care and husbandry and you can slaughter them humanely yourself.
It’s great when it comes to mealtimes because you can ask if anyone wants more Larry (the lamb), Pauline (the pig), or Barney (the bullock), or whatever names you give the lamb, bacon, or beef. Mmmmm…meat.
Exactly. And also, if God hadn’t intended us to eat meat, then why did he make cows in the first place? Would we race them, like horses? Unlikely, given their sluggishness and clumsiness.
Would we employ them in the security industries? As an inveterate cat burglar, I can tell you that a Guard Cow would not deter my pilfering.
Guide Cows? I would regard your average bovine as too moronic to be entrusted with a member of the blind community.
Thus, in my opinion, it is no coincidence that cows are both tasty and useless. Their sole purpose is to be edible, and they do a terrific job of it.
An understandable slight of conscience Sweary, it was principle you meant to give up.
At least these days, what with Tesco Veg and Bean section you stand some chance of a full life.
But what I wish more than anything is if one could get Fresh Fish. You see if you get it that way it does not stink. It does not even smell. If they can ship the fucking stuff to Spain why not the 60 miles inland which would cover every cunt in the state. And you are correct, as is Conan, what they do needlessly on this Island to animals is just wrong. It also exhibits the unbelievable shortsightedness of some landowners.
I like kebabs.
You’re thinking too hard.
“I give the fuck up.”
Yay, return to the Dark Side; we have cookies!
“Being 100% ethical about your diet borders on the impossible”
Medbh hits the defenceless baby lambeen on the head, here. But I’m not returning to the dark side, oh no, cookies or no cookies – and you’ll have to get out of that marlarkey, Sparrow, they’re called bikkies over here. And they’re full up with refined sugar and battery eggs. Oh yes.
I’m going to follow my own brand of ethical noshery from here on in, broadly defined as bordering on vegan but making the odd concession towards organic eggs and farmhouse cheeses. And possibly Green and Blacks choccy.
I’m sure it’ll last all of three days.
Flann, being useless is not reason enough for killing and eating someone, however hard I wish it were.
And Vince, true. If I could get fresh fish, I would EAT IT. I know fish have feelings too, but if I caught it and bashed its head in on a rock myself, I’d feel that I earned the right to eat it. So long as it wasn’t farmed, it’s had its chance at happiness. Now it’s time to fill my tummy. HOOO YEAH.