Vamps Dire
D’you know what I’m sick of? Up to the teeth, down to the ankles, to the tips of my neck hairs and the creases on the backs of my fucking knees, I’m sick of vampires. THEY MAKE ME DIE.
They’re “bloody” everywhere at the moment, aren’t they? I don’t mean this in any figurative sense, although some of the weasels we have in public office in this country could well be described as blood-suckers, and oily, smarmy, widows-peak embellished ones at that. Nor do I believe that vampires are real (I relied for years on that mathematic equation that disproves their existence), but just because something’s not real, doesn’t mean it can’t permeate popular culture like a soggy towel dripping onto a warping hardwood floor. Obviously. Like, look at the Bible, that’s been very successful.
We’ve had vampires for quite some time now; there were gentryfolk in odd gaffs in Eastern Europe who bathed in the blood of virgins, and warlords who compensated for having stupid names by ripping the heads off their enemies and making gory sunflowers out of them. We can blame Bram Stoker (and as he’s dead, Dublin, by proxy) for the romanticisation of the nasty fiends, not because he found vampires to be utterly dreamy and scribbled feverishly with one hand down his pants, but because his themes regarding sexuality have been swallowed by people not as intelligent, and regurgitated horribly.
Which is now why, instead of vampires being scary, merciless yokes, who strike fear into the hearts of mortals and burst veins for a living…
… we’ve got sensitive, brooding vampires with floppy hair and poetic inner torment.
How did this happen? I mean, nothing (everything, really) against Twilight or Twilight fans, because there’s nothing new there, but why is a demon who survives on stolen blood a fucking sex symbol? These things are monsters, are they not? They come into your room at night and attack your arteries! They hang out in darkened alleyways, making eyes at rats/drunken prostitutes, and have awkward overbites, and must smell like slaughterhouses. They’re a vegetarian’s nightmare. They can’t eat solids. They dribble. They’ve got bad breath. They’re terrible kissers. They’re anaemic and touchy. Retractable fangs notwithstanding, they must scab up their lips something rotten. They stay in bed all day, beds made for one with wooden sides, like a baby’s cot. Their salt intakes must be extremely … extreme. All of their seduction techniques are based on the fact that they want to feast on you; what’s the difference, I ask you, between a vampire and a Jack Russell humping your leg? Not a lot of fodder for the wank bank there, surely, even if you’re a skittish fourteen year old with no friends.
I was at the cinema twice over the weekend, and both times there were vampires all over the walls.
No, not crawling about looking for necks to nibble, which is what they would do, not go snogging impressionably passionate young wans in the back row. No, there were posters aplenty for the upcoming Twilight and Darren Shan flicks, both of whom feature pretty creatures with untameable hair and pale, soft smiles and twinkly bits. No predators here, thank ‘ee very much (although those in the know say that the accidental predatory undertones in the Twilight saga are close to an apology for spousal abuse – physical, that is, not rape, coz sex is durrrty and nice, non-threatening vampires don’t engage with anything as filthy as genitalia, even symbolic genitalia … Jesus, the light at the end of this sentence is a misplaced train of thought, hold on a minute … ) They had this problem with the Blade saga, as I recall; they made the bad guys so identifiable and non-threatening that they had to create mutated bad guys for the bad guys to battle.
I miss the bad guys, basically. No one’s going to be scared by the notion that Robert Pattinson is in the back seat of their car, flattening his jack-in-the-box barnet and licking/nicking his lips. Turned on, maybe, if you like them full-lipped with designer stubble, but hardly frightened. Emo vampires that look like Amy Lee are a terrible departure from the monster in the castle on the hill, and I don’t like it one bit. I haven’t seen a decent horror in years. Interview with The Vampire? Angel? Mosquitoes are more threatening, and much cheaper dates.
In summation…
I can’t take credit for that, mind.
I worry for the future, you know. The only fear not beautified out of me now is that zombies will shortly be portrayed as misunderstood, passionate sex gods. Ooh, a gap in the market! See you in six months, fuckers. I’m gonna exploit this one’s brains out.
And now in the UK, “True Blood” from HBO.
Set in the deep South of the USA. The plot is that a new synthetic blood (called Tru Blood) is now commercially available and vampires have “come out of their coffins” and are part of mainstream society.
Bloody, lots of swearing, graphic violence and sex – and that’s only the first episode.
http://www.Channel4.com/4od
If it’s not vampires, then it’s zombies.
’sake.
Ha! I forgot about True Blood. More bare-chested vampires oozing teh secks. At least they’re not writing awful poetry and crying amber tears … they’re not, right?
I don’t watch True Blood because, while modern day vampires don’t scare me, Anna Paquin certainly does.
And on the very day you publish this, Penny Arcade have a comic about it too. It’s, like, sooo zeitgeistlich.
speaking as a recovering goth I find the whole nu-vampire thing very dull…..like most 14 year old boys I watched The Hunger with great enthusiasm and read Anne Rice’s Vampire Lestat but unless yer 14 years old you really do need to move on….to zombies, zombies are far more fun than vampires….that said True Blood is alright…..
Pah. Zombies are twats. I saw Zombieland at the weekend and it was fucking woeful.
Brilliant, Dave. But surely Mummies have had their day? Arnold Vosloo was such a fox in The Mummy, even with half a face and flies swarming out of his rotten gob.
Up is really scary
hush your purty mouth…..zombieland was aces…..Bill Murray? tremendous….
you like your ‘pires in the same way as you like your Gaa, old school.
Up is brilliant.
Zombieland is great, provided you’re a raging misogynist who doesn’t mind a 20-minute-long wanking of Bill Murray’s ego in the middle of a cliched pile of shite.
I’ll make allowances for you, Mr. Manuel, coz we’re fwends. But don’t upset me again or it’ll be the processed cheese slices for you!
Howya Vince!
I think you hit the nail in the head there. Or the stake through the heart, one or t’other.
Nor do I believe that vampires are real – Poor, naive Sweary, swallowing the ‘vampires don’t exist’ government dogma hook, line and sinker.
If vampires, as you suggest, are merely a fiction, then riddle me this my sceptic friend: how come we’re not overrun with werewolves? Everybody knows the vampires are what confine Irish werewolves predominantly to Leitrim, and rabbit-rich areas of The Burren.
Fool! Vampires don’t prey on werewolves!
It’s virgins you’re thinking of.
You and your encyclopaedic knowledge of monsterism win this round Sweary. But one day a stranger will call. Sure, he’ll seem ordinary enough, but could he be the chimera offspring of a male werewolf and a female Sasquatch?
If, when the clouds dissipate to reveal a full moon, he transforms before your eyes into a 12 foot snarling ‘Werefoot’, the answer to that question will be a resounding ‘yes’. And that’s when the cows come home to roost (to borrow a Naked Gunism).
Be thee fairly warned, says I…to you.
Is there nothing that you cannae add fire to with your spirited words? We must find time to share a glass and a blather on my next soiree across.
“They hang out in darkened alleyways, making eyes at rats/drunken prostitutes, and have awkward overbites, and must smell like slaughterhouses. They’re a vegetarian’s nightmare. They can’t eat solids. They dribble. They’ve got bad breath. They’re terrible kissers. They’re anaemic and touchy. Retractable fangs notwithstanding, they must scab up their lips something rotten.”
Well, none of that has stopped Colin Farrell from getting his hole, more’s the pity.
Spike from “Buffy” can bite me anytime. Drain me dry, turn me into a vamp, whatever he likes. Angel, however, is a poofter, and is only mildly valid as Angelus.
As for the rest, I agree, except for the zombie thing… Have you forgotten “Shaun of the Dead”?! What were you thinking?! That was totally cheated out of an Oscar, and I have boycotted the Oscars ever since.
Gombies – the Irish zombie fillum, why has no-one made it yet?
If I had book-mugged everyone on the Metro tonight I’d have come away with at least half a dozen Twilight books including one in a custom knitted cover. The owner was at least mortified enough to conceal the fucking thing.It remains to be seen if this smidgen of self-awareness will save her from my Gulag.
Fuck right away off with that Mormon vampire cuntuousity. The sad thing is that in a month or three we’ll be saying the same thing about zombies. Book store shelves are groaning with the undead.Including,I shit you not,something called “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” by J.Austen and Others.
Sorry. Raw nerve well and truly plucked here.
The eternal dilemma, Werewolves or Vampyres [ or Zombies ].. for your delection i sujust the following two takes on old themes.. 1 vampire, 1 werewolf, 1 ghost and a shared house in bristol..that will be “Being human”..dear old BBC planted this six parter on there #4 channel as a re-run a couple of months ago.. Expecting utter tosh, i was suprised at the criss cross of comedy, pathos and horror and just how intellegent the writing was. Nice to feel that i didnt have to ask for my time back.. While its unlikely to win any awards [shame], this is fresh meat on old bones and with a solid viewer base a second series is in the offering, roll on says I… Also worth a look would be “Dead Set”, this madness from Guardian columnist and Screen wipe scribe Charlie Brooker tickles and puts the fear of god in equal amounts, i’ll not go into details for spoilers but to say if your zombies just are’nt cutting the mustard then this will help and The big bruvva house will never be the same again, nuff said..