Celebrity Tiling and Grouting 2009
Earlier this year I conceived of a brilliant scheme to exploit a bunch of washed-up celebrities as dog’s body labourers. I contacted some agents and pitched a (fake) TV pilot that tasked “celebrities” with renovating a house — mine, non-coincidentally.
The cameras, it was explained, were so well hidden that you “wouldn’t know they were there.” In fact, the lone camera was in the diary room (downstairs toilet). I’d already cut a hole in the ceiling above that room for disturbing reasons, and I used the fissure to communicate with the diarists as a ‘Big Brother’ style character.
Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 1 (11:04 am)
Big Foreman: Hello Johnny.
Johnny Logan: Jesus, who the f*ck is that?
Big Foreman: This is Big Foreman.
Johnny Logan: What the f*ck…I’m having a sh*t?
Big Foreman: Is there anything you’d like to talk about?
Johnny Logan: No, f*ck off you pervert.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Johnny Logan: I’ll diary room you, you sick f*ck.
Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 1 (14:26 am)
Big Foreman: Hello Rosanna.
Rosanna Davidson: Hello Big Foreman.
Big Foreman: Please feel free to avail of all the diary room’s facilities.
Rosanna Davidson: I’m not going toilet in here. Sure I can see you up there, peeping through that hole.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Rosanna Davidson: But I need to talk about Johnny. He’s starting to scare us. He has this knife and…
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 2 (13:57 am)
Big Foreman: Hello Terrence.
Terrence Trent Derby: Hey, Big Foreman. What’s happening, dog?
Big Foreman: Please do not speak jive in the diary room.
Terrence Trent Derby: Say what?
Big Foreman: You deaf?
Terrence Trent Derby: This is how I roll, you dig?
Big Foreman: Last warning.
Terrence Trent Derby: Whatever man. I want to talk about the Eurovision guy.
Big Foreman: Johnny?
Terrence Trent Derby: I ain’t never seen a temper like that. He put a knife to Rosanna’s throat last night, saying she stole his caviar.
Big Foreman: Did she?
Terrence Trent Derby: Man, you know we ain’t got no food. Shit, we haven’t eaten in 24 hours.
Big Foreman: Food is apportioned on a grouting and tiling basis Terrence.
Terrence Trent Derby: Whatever man, nobody’s down for this no more. Everybody’s scared.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman sympathises.
Terrence Trent Derby: Fuck sympathy. Unlock the doors and windows. Let us the fuck out.
Big Foreman: I’m afraid I can’t do that Terrence.
Terrence Trent Derby: Say what?
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Terrence Trent Derby: Man, this is crazy.
Big Foreman: You are free to leave the diary room.
Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 3 (08:04 am)
Big Foreman: Hello Al.
Al Pacino: WHO-HA! Big Foreman. How. Are you doin. My friend?
Big Foreman: Big Foreman is a bit stuffed. He pigged out on steak and chips.
Al Pacino: Really? Because we? My friend? Have not EATEN IN THREE DAYS. WHO-HA! WHO…HA!
Big Foreman: Al, food is awarded on a tiling and grouting basis.
Al Pacino: Then riddle me this, Big Foreman. How. Are we. Supposed to. WHO-HA. Get anything done, when this Johnny? This Johnny Logan? Is FREAKING OUT, my man. He’s freaking out, threatening to cut everybody.
Big Foreman: As you know Al, Big Foreman cannot interfere in the day-to-day tiling and grouting.
Al Pacino: Then what use. Are you. To me. My friend? WHO-HA!
Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 4 (10:42 am)
Big Foreman: Hello Rosanna.
Rosanna Davidson: So…weak now. Four days…no food.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman sympathises, but the tiling and grouting has been disappointing.
Rosanna Davidson: You must…help us…Pacino hurt…Terrence dead….Johnny….out of control.
Big Foreman: AH JAYSUS.
Rosanna Davidson: What?
Big Foreman: Ah Jaysus, I’m after catching me foot on a rusty nail.
Rosanna Davidson: Please…let us…go.
Big Foreman: Ah, it’s bleeding and everything. Look, will you feck off? I have me own problems up here.
Celebrity Tiling and Grouting: Day 5 (15:01 pm)
Big Foreman: Hello Johnny.
Johnny Logan: Hello Big Foreman.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman thinks you sound healthier than the others.
Johnny Logan: Well, they’re too uppity to eat rats, so they’re pretty much starving to death.
Big Foreman: Big Foreman commends your survival nous.
Johnny Logan: What do you mean by that?
Big Foreman: Nothing. It’s a compliment.
Johnny Logan: You think I need compliments? Are you saying I’m weak?
Big Foreman: No. Not at all.
Johnny Logan: I’m going to end you, Big Foreman. I’m going to end you.
Big Foreman: No Johnny, wait.
(Sound of rapid footsteps through hall, footsteps up a stairs, breaking down of door)
Big Foreman: Please Mr Logan, no.
Johnny Logan: You and Al Pacino. You’re both the same, thinking I’m nothing.
Big Foreman: I don’t, I don’t. I love your music. I have all your records.
Johnny Logan: Really? What was my last Eurovision winner called?
Big Foreman: Eh…’All Kinds of Everything’?
Johnny Logan: That was Dana.
Big Foreman: Oh.
Johnny Logan: Prepare to meet thy doom.
Big Foreman: Ah Jaysus Johnny, not the face, not the face!
How’s the face? The foot? Not a fan of reality tv, but this was good.
Columbo
Rosanna hasn’t eaten in four days? Meh. The girl can live for months on dabs of lipgloss, a can of Diet Red Bull, and her own sense of smug self-satisfaction.
This doesn’t ring true for me, Flann. I smell a rat, and for once it’s not Johnny Logan’s leftovers.
Hola Flan!
Are they any good at building walls?
Besos
Manuel
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Prenderghast, Coddle Pot. Coddle Pot said: Celebrity Tiling and Grouting 2009 — read on at http://cli.gs/qXZAj [...]
I want to know more, where is Celebrity Tiling and Grouting’s Big Mouth?
Columbo: The foot is fine. But the face? Logan wrote the fully lyrics to ‘Hold Me Now’ all over my head in permanent black marker. It’s mostly gone, but on a very bright day you can still kind of read my skull.
Sweary: You don’t understand. Rosanna came straight to the Celebrity Tiling and Grouting House from the Celebrity 40 Days of Induced Vomiting House. It was just horrendous timing.
Manuel Estimulo: They were disappointing on most fronts, including wall-building. Take Al Pacino: that man couldn’t tile his way out of a service station toilet. Great actor. Terrible tiler. Passable grouter.
Darren: I did have a spin-off program planned Darren, but my presenter (Farrah Fawcett) pulled out, quite suddenly and unprofessionally.
Al was on Watchdog one night for scamming old ladies by promising them a severe grouting, but never delivering. He’d just gain their trust and then lure them into a pyramid scam. A badly grouted pyramid at that.
Is there anything worse than a badly grouted pyramid Maxi? The answer is yes: a badly grouted sphinx.
This kind of reality TV I can enjoy, a very original and humorous spin on the whole things, although I don’ see their problem, tiling and grouting isn’t that hard!