One of the most fear inducing phone calls a waiter can get goes like this, “Hello what time is the latest we can get a table for a dinner?” Late supper eh? BOLLOCKS, I have no time for the late bloody supper crowd. Now there is no chance in hell I’m giving them a straight answer, it ends up in a game of twenty questions….

Customer: “Hello what time is the latest we can get a table for a dinner?”

Me: “Eh…..” panic sets in “…it depends on which day and how many it’s for.”

If the punter wants a late booking on a day I’m not working then he can get what he wants. There’s more honour amongst thieves than waiters.

If not, we move onto to the next question…

Me again: “What time would you want a table for?”

I need the punter to specify a time, that then becomes the negotiation point. If he hits me back with the first question then I’m fucked. You see my concern is that I don’t know who is on the phone. They might be the bosses next door neighbour, or his cousin or somebody that could land me in a whole pile of dog mess if I get found out for spoofing the last order time.

No matter what the punter says I will tell them a half hour before the actual last order time. If they get lippy I make up a fantastic but very plausible reason, normally something to do with other bookings.

You might find this hard to believe but waiters don’t always tell you the truth. I’ll give you a moment to deal with that shocking revelation. But even when we tell the truth we may mean something else entirely, and those seemingly harmless questions, if only you knew…

“Hi table for two is it?” – there had better not be any more of you.

“Would you like to see the menu before you take a table?” – yes, I know where the nearest Pizza Hut is

“Oh the house red sir, great choice!” – cheap wine, cheap tip

“So you’re Australian?” – bye bye, you wont be seeing me again

“Yes madam all our beef is local.” – if you live in Buenos Aries

“Sir you are just so funny, I’m gonna use that.” – Kill me now/you’re getting blogged tonight

“Your Canadian eh?” – This is our kitchen porter he’ll be serving you tonight

“Have you had the XXXXX before?” – DON’T BLOODY ORDER IT (we cant just come out and say it’s crap so we ask if you have had it before. If you have then you know and I am absolved of all guilt)

“Well Hi, you guys must be American?” – K-ching!

“Yes sir, kids are welcome.” – as long as you are 60 and your kids are 20/welcome to go to granny’s/not in my section

“My! Don’t you all just look great!” – it’s 6 days from pay day and I’m skint!

“No change sir? That’s okay you can get me next time.” – next time? Don’t make me laugh. You and I wont be doing this again any time soon.

“Brown sauce madam? I’ll see if we have any left” – I’m away for a walk, a cup of coffee, a quick chat with the chefs about the match last night and inevitably returning without any brown sauce.

“Cook it a bit more? I’m sure the chef would be delighted to sir” – and rub it on the floor a few times too I’m sure.

Read between the lines folks, the waiter speaks with forked tongue.