Wasn’t it the English patient physicist and all round massive brain, Sir Isaac Newtown that said, “To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction”? I think it was. Cheers Isaac for stating the bleeding obvious. Our chefs at work have adopted a philosophy not too dissimilar to that of Mr Newton, “To every action there is always the chance you’ll get yer melt kicked in you fat bastard”. Pithy eh. In other words if you bring a plate back to the kitchen with some simple suggestions from the customer as to what methods or ingredients could be employed to enhance their Fillet Mignon there is every chance the chefs will respond with violence. It has always been such. Stab first, engage brain second. It is the chefs way. Chefs never let reasoned argument or calm voices get in the way of a good reaction. For chefs the big picture is just the centre fold splash of Liz (23) from Surrey in their Daily Sport. If there has to be a reaction, and Newton’s fixed it so there does every time, well chefs prefer it to be huge, grand, fucking mental. No one does over the top quite like a chef.

Or some waiters now that I come to think about it. It’s true I am one for the old react first, think second philosophy. I’ve walked out during shift, threatened violence in the form of stabbings, slappings and ball tamperings. I’ve thrown things and threatened to throw things and by things I mean everything from the silverware to the occasional chair. I’ve made threats that could get a chap sent to the big house for a year or two and I’ve use language in public that would make Bernard Manning blush, if he wasn’t already as dead as the big fat dead pig he is. And all that was just last week. Christ on a bike I love a good overreaction.

And what a week it has been for overreaction enthusiasts everywhere. The football on Wednesday night managed to wake a whole country up. The mass screams of injustice and calls for revolution haven’t been heard on the international stage with quite the ferocity since the nasty days of apartheid. The calls for mass protests, boycotts and the hanging, drawing and quartering of not just Terry Henry but all French people was fantastically over the top. I too got caught with the whole pitched forked rabble (online that is) and took out the headlamps of two Renault Clio’s and a Megane and pooed on the doorstep of my local croissants producing boulangerie. Well I would have but it was cold and raining an I really couldn’t be arsed. Ah but the reaction was as my dear departed granny would have said, “Fucking mental”. And it went on for days, the over reaction. It eventually culminated in Roy Keane’s death stare and press conference etiquette lesson. I heart Roy Keane, I really do but fuck sake fella chill out. You cant be getting on like a slapped arse just cause some chap’s phone went off whilst you were not answering questions about Ipswich! It could have been his mam asking him to pop round, FFS!

But my favourite overreaction from last week was from a waiter. Bless. He was so enraged that he had been stiffed out of his tip, an action that can garner quite a reaction let me tell you, he got the couple responsible arrested. HA! How’s that for huffing, puffing, pissing your pants and overreacting?!

Ha! That’s superb overreacting right there. Sure make snarky remarks about them behind their back. Make disparaging remarks about their choice of clothing and haircuts. Hell make up rumours about their sexual preferences if that makes you feel better but have them arrested? Crikey, that’s just a tad over the top. That said I hope the judge is a fan of overreacting and sends them down for thirty years. That would be awesomely over the top.

It’s been a fun over the top week and I love a good over reaction just as much as I love a good sweeping generalisation.

People, like chefs, are bastards.

Oh and if I don’t like your comments I’ll burn your house down….heh.