Okay this is the last instalment and in many respects it’s just as important, maybe more important, than all the other wonderful life saving advice I have given you so far this month already.

There are two types of people when it comes to getting dressed for the big night out, those that do, and those that don’t. Some people put the effort in and some people don’t. Now I’m not saying that those who put the effort in are always the best dressed far from it. Some people can look great wrapped in a bin bag, some look like sweetie wrappers when they have spent hundreds of pounds on getting the right outfit. I have to declare that I have to put a suit load of effort into looking good. I change 5 times and inevitably end up with what I started with. It’s the large tum tum you see. I’m never sure if I should try and conceal it or be proud of it. Saying that concealing it would be quite some feat. I would need some sort of magic shirt with cloaking capabilities. Anyway here is my sartorial advice for the big night out for what it’s worth…

Firstly it’s your night out and you should want to feel relaxed and comfortable. The little Jimmy Choo shoes may look fabulous in the box but if your trotters are going to be mashed up and sore all night is it really worth it? Is it? At the same time it is great to get dressed up for a night out. But do it for yourself not for Brain/Jill in marketing in the vein hope that they see you looking a million dollars (not Canadian dollars I should add) and fall in love with you. Wear what makes you happy, with some obvious provisos. That said you are out in public, you are in a restaurant and we have some standards that must be met. So to that end all outfits made with velour are banned as are anything with a Nike/Adidas/Reebok logo. This isn’t gym time.

Please, please, please go easy on the ol fake tan. I had a table of 10 ladies in my section last year and each one of them had fake tanned it to the max. It wasn’t pretty. The women that opted for the heat lamp approach actually glowed not in a nice healthy way but in a radiation alert sort of way. It was like they had popped their heads into a nuclear reactor before coming out. The rest of the ladies resembled the famous Terracotta Army of the First Qin Emperor. They glowed too but it was a very patchy glow. This applies equally to both sexes as I notice some chaps are at it now too.

Now we all now you are only a young as you feel. And you may feel 18 when you are in fact 53, and that’s fantastic. Saying that when I was 18 I was full of hormones, spots and teenage angst so I would really rather feel 35 than 18, well maybe not 35, 23 was good I liked being 23. But whilst you may feel 18 we all know you are 53. You cant pull off the mini skirt/cropped top look any more (sir), honest you cant. I don’t say this to be cruel, I really don’t. But please try and dress, if not your actual age, at least something from the same decade. This goes for the chaps too. Putting a gallon of your son’s gel in your hair doesn’t make you look any younger. In fact it makes you look exactly what you are, middle aged and desperate. And don’t borrow his clothes either. He will hate you and more importantly you will hate yourself in the morning.

Wearing a t-shirt that says “Rebel” on it or some other shite slogan such as “Punk” or “Crazy” when you are in fact an accountant who has never done anything remotely rebellious save for stay out late one night when you were in university doesn’t make you a rebel, a punk or crazy. It makes you look sad, and that’s sad in a “I want to weep for” you sort of way. Please don’t do it. If you want to look casual for the night just don’t wear a tie with your nice M and S shirt. You will feel better for it and more relaxed. Don’t wear whacky clothes. The ironic Hawaiian shirt in winter doesn’t impress anyone. Santa hats are okay if you must jazz things up. But those hats with mistletoe hanging off them are sad and will make you look like a letch.

So there you are feeling fantastic, looking like something from Kay’s Catalogue and you spot someone with the same outfit on. Don’t for the love of Jesus get all upset and start crying and bitchy about it. It’s no way for a man to act. Seriously though unless you had your outfit hand made by the orphaned children of a Parisian dress maker the chances are some one else will have been to Primark and picked the same outfit. Take comfort in the fact that you look better in it than they do. Try and avoid being in the toilets at the same time as them though. You know some people can be very cruel.

Then there is the office “weirdo”, the kid that likes Radiohead and doesn’t drink and always has his head in a book. He wants to look different. He wants his outfit to have people talking about him. He will say “It’s just clothes man. It doesn’t mean anything. You are all so self involved.” and other such claptrap. But really he means, “I’m not one of you. I’m different. I like French movies.” So he wears a blazer with badges on the lapel his mothers blouse, and skinny jeans and white converse shoes. And he probably spent an hour perfecting his hairs just out of bed look. He looks great, he feels great, then he spots 47 year old Gerry in accounting with the same outfit on and he sulks for the rest of the night and pulls a battered copy of an old Chomsky book and starts to read at the table. (In the hope that people notice him being weird again.) If there are one of these types at your table make him wear a party hat. There is nothing funnier than a emo kid in a party hat.

Slutty isn’t sexy. God knows I’ve tried it, what with the backless cowboy chaps and other things. The only breasts I want to see on my tables are turkey breasts and even they are covered (in cranberry jus). Put them away, save that treat for later. I don’t need to see your muffin top, your side boob, or anything else for that matter. Just cause Lindsey, Britney and Paris do it doesn’t mean you have to, put your keks on! As for the lads, if I can count the hairs on your balls your jeans are too tight and you aren’t impressing anyone. And from where I am standing it looks like you have a tennis ball down there Mr Inadequate.

It’s winter, it’s gonna be cold, chances are it’s gonna rain. Bring a coat. Wow I sound like everyone’s mother now. But seriously you and the entire population of Belfast/wherever are going to try and get a taxi home at the same time. You are going to be outside suffering the December weather for quite a while. Bring a coat, and maybe a scarf. You’ll thank me for it.

I hope you all have a great night out. I hope you all enjoy the food and get great service (or the service you deserve) from your waiter. I hope none of you cry or go mental. I hope you look and feel fantastic. I hope the office groper leaves you alone. I hope you make it home safely, and with the one you want or back to the one you love. But mostly I hope you tip like millionaires……