You were the darling of the adult movie industry, until your accident. Will we ever see you in front of the camera again?

Tamara,
Sligo

It’s not all about the accident Tamara. These days, a fractured penis is as treatable as a common cold: a splint and a couple of Nurofen, and bish-bash-bosh, Bob’s your uncle.

No, it was a different game back then, and I’m not sure I recognise what the industry has become. There used to exist a parity between story-line and intercourse. In fact, I wrote, starred in, and directed ‘Close Encounters of the Sex Kind’, still the only adult movie ever made in which nobody has sex (I was successfully sued for flagrant false advertising in a class-action suit that cost me 13.6 million Canadian dollars).

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For the last time, keep your God damned cat out of my tree. Or so help me, I’ll drag it down and put manners on it myself. Do you even have a license for that thing?

Cormac,
Tralee

License? For a puma? In Ireland? Are you kidding?

Best of luck getting him out of the tree. If I can’t stop him killing the local livestock, and I’m his owner, I really fear for your chances of dragging him out of a tree by his tail. Bring lots of bandages, is all I’d say.

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My Dad says you have a chip on your shoulder because you didn’t win the part of Christy Brown in My Left Foot. Were you even in the running?

Geoff,
London

In the running? Let’s just say I was made assurances Geoff, and on the strength of those assurances did a lot of preparation for the part. For example, I learnt to paint, visited with the Brown family on numerous occasions, and spent a full year moving nothing but my right foot (I misread the script).

Day Lewis only pipped me because budgets were tight and he brought his own wheelchair.

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I’m still waiting on those insurance details. I trusted you to send them on, because you said it was an emergency and you had to dash. That van is my family’s livelihood. People are depending on me,

Jill,
Cabra

Hi Jill, I’m going to let my lawyer Frank field this one:

Hi Jill, Frank here. It is illegal to leave the scene of an accident before the police arrive. Both you and my client have broken this law, and therefore neither one of you can legally make a claim against the other. Have a nice day.

Yeah, have a nice day Jill.

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I don’t care what the paternity test says, he is your child. Why won’t you accept him?

Patricia,
Athenry

We’ve been through this Patricia. When the paternity test proved he wasn’t mine, I was relieved. Afterwards, when the maternity test proved he wasn’t even yours, I was more confused than anything. But when the doctor confirmed that you and I are biological twins? That was the last straw. The physical relationship is over. Happy birthday sis.

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Is it true you invented the mobile phone?

Donna,
Glasnevin

No Donna, I invented the ‘Immobile Phone’, a communication device fashioned from a wrought iron, Blacksmith’s anvil. It never caught on, even among blacksmiths. Only one hundred were ever made, all of which were eventually melted down to make smaller, better anvils with no call-making features.

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Your son Chad recently paid emotional tribute to his mother during his acceptance speech at the 2009 Surfing World Championship. Afterwards, holding the trophy aloft, he said, “See this Dad? Up yours, old man. Up yours.” What gives?

Joel,
Fermanagh

I believe he was referring to how I never believed in him, Joel. I thought he would amount to jack-squat, and told him so at every available opportunity throughout his life. Boy did he prove me wrong, not only with the surfing, but his PHD in Advanced Thermonuclear Physics and subsequent Nobel prize nomination.

I still have a feeling that he’ll screw it all up though, and amount to nothing. So I’ll continue to keep him at arm’s length until I see some real results. It’s unfortunate that he’s fallen ill of late, but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to patch things up once he gets back on his feet and out of the hospice.