Restaurant guests say the funniest things, they really do. When they aren’t ordering mash and noodles they are asking you personal questions that would make a Spanish inquisitor blush with embarrassment. It’s the audacity of …

It was 31st of August 1997 and I was drunk, oh crikey mummy was I drunk. I had been imbibing cheap red wine from early the previous evening and the blotto hour, 1am, was upon …

I had a fun fun fun table of eight land in on me about an hour before closing. They received my usual “me angry waiter, you stupid customer” caveman type greeting that I reserve for …

“Waiter!”
I was being summonsed by a very large very sweaty very unattractive man. Being wrapped, as he was, in a couple of thousands pounds worth of Armani cut cloth really didn’t distract from the hideousness …

Lord save me from Real Ale Drinkers. For those of you who are lucky enough not to know what it is Real ale is “beer brewed from traditional ingredients, matured by secondary fermentation in the …

So I had this customer the other day…….ah fuck it you’ve heard it all before. I’m too tired to write it up today. Suffice to say he was a dick, he did dickish things, and spoke with a dickish tone. I didn’t like him. The usual blah blah blah. But it’s not him that has me tired. I’m afraid it takes more than a dickish man doing dickish things whilst speaking with a dickish tone to keep me awake at night. No I have a new house guest. And this new house guest has kept me awake two nights on the trot now.

by David Shrigley
from the book “Ants have sex in your beer”
Makes me chuckle every time!